I have this pair of jeans. I've had them for probably 5 or 6 years and in the last few months the fabric has worn completely through. Yet, I still wear them. Unashamed of the growing hole while simultaneously hoping no one notices. These jeans are faded, stretched out and now threadbare. I'm feeling a bit like these jeans. More than a bit actually, I'm feeling exactly like these jeans: worn, faded, threadbare.
The thing is that jeans can't gather new material to fix their hole or make themselves clean or suddenly look new and fresh. In the same way, I lack that ability. I continually pull my strength, my love, my excitement and happiness from myself. Searching deeper and further each time to find more ounces of generosity, unconditional love, support, but, it has become clear that I am dry. Oh so dry compared to the vast well that is knowing Christ. With a new season that will bring its own set of triumphs, sacrifices, heart aches and joys coming up, it is such a needed reminder that I can do no thing apart from Him.
Seeking forgiveness for my attempt at being so in control of my own life and desiring a desperate heart. This summer that was meant to bring rest and refreshment has been chaotic and distant. We were designed to be in community to love and to be loved, but first we have to know what it is like to be loved so deeply by the One who started it all. To allow His passion and redemption to truly heal insecurities, cast out pride and devour sin. A life that is lived freely is one that is lived within the arms of the Maker of the Universe. A life that is lived joyfully is one that is lived in continual communication with the Giver of Peace.
I needed to be reminded to give up and receive it. His grace, mercy, forgiveness and that will bring the blessing, joy, and an out pouring of unconditional, irrevocable love.
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Friday, May 31, 2013
Pen to Paper:
Recently, I prayed over a space in my room. One with a small seat and paper cranes hanging overhead. I asked God to dedicate that space for me and Him. So that when I would go to that corner, a small space in my whirring world, I would look and listen just for Him and hopefully he would be there looking and listening for me. That was a short time ago. Since then I've attempted to meet Him in that corner every day. Unsuccessfully. But, I get excited to know I have that space that will be uninterrupted. I did this because I lack discipline. Sometimes in my words and in my actions, but mostly in my time with God. I say, so often, that I need to spend time with him daily but I haven't given him my time. In that conviction I said a quiet prayer asking him to bless that space. Thus far, he has.
I've realized that when I sin, I run. Like Adam and Eve hiding in the garden I try to hide. Hopefully, now, instead of running and ignoring the nagging feeling in my gut, or the glaring conviction from the spirit I will run to my space. To that small corner and find peace and forgiveness.
In the times I've met him there I've randomly opened the word. First to Isaiah 54 and 55:
He told me,
I am your peace.
You will forget the shame of your youth
You will be challenged and stretched
"For the Maker is your husband, the Lord of Hosts is his name; the Holy One of Israel is your redeemer, the God of the whole earth He is called"
"Come everyone who thirsts, come to the waters, and he who has no money, come, buy and eat!"
"Incline your ear, and come to me; hear, that your soul may live and I will make an everlasting covenant with you."
He told me,
I am your peace.
You will forget the shame of your youth
You will be challenged and stretched
"For the Maker is your husband, the Lord of Hosts is his name; the Holy One of Israel is your redeemer, the God of the whole earth He is called"
"Come everyone who thirsts, come to the waters, and he who has no money, come, buy and eat!"
"Incline your ear, and come to me; hear, that your soul may live and I will make an everlasting covenant with you."
Then I read from Jeremiah, where he made me familiar with his wrath:
"I broke your yoke and burst your bonds, but you said 'I will not serve'"
"Under every green tree you bowed down like a whore. Yet, I planted you a choice vine, wholly of pure seed"
"Though you wash yourself with lye and much soap the stain of your guilt is still before me."
Then Christ came. I realized I cannot hide from God's anger, but I can and am saved by Christ's unending grace with which he fully satisfied the wrath of the Father. More than anything, lately, I need peace. Which I can find in that small corner of my blue bedroom.
"I broke your yoke and burst your bonds, but you said 'I will not serve'"
"Under every green tree you bowed down like a whore. Yet, I planted you a choice vine, wholly of pure seed"
"Though you wash yourself with lye and much soap the stain of your guilt is still before me."
Then Christ came. I realized I cannot hide from God's anger, but I can and am saved by Christ's unending grace with which he fully satisfied the wrath of the Father. More than anything, lately, I need peace. Which I can find in that small corner of my blue bedroom.
I am forever grateful.
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Not Enough:
I don't really know how to start this. These words, ninety-ten and not enough, keep playing in my head and usually when that happens I start to write. I know exactly what I'm thinking but to put it out here is hard. Too honest. Too vulnerable. Too pathetic.
90-10 and not enough. Basically, I feel like I am giving 90 percent of myself to people. And they give nothing back. I feel like I give, give, give until I have nothing left and that's where I'm at. 2 days before finals, crying, with nothing left. I'm at the point of breaking. Or I am broken because I really can't have someone take anymore. I just need someone to give me something. So much of who I am is defined by my friendships. I need them. I need these people I trust and love and love and trust. I've been listening to this song Agape by Bear's Den a lot. The lyrics:
Again music showing me something. Then another song he sings, "I'm gonna give all my love to you". I don't know what the limits are. Honestly. I think if I just show and show and show them how much I love them they'll love me back that much. I just end up waiting. I don't know who I am without these people because they affirm that I'm worthy of love and attention and care and generosity and phone calls and hangout days and choosing to spend time with me over someone else. So, then I show and show and give some more. The reality is probably not as bad as that. Like if I stop trying then it will fall apart.
So, I'm crying on my bed and my mom is freaking out because she doesn't know how to help because I won't let her because I'm fine. She puts Jesus Calling on my nightstand open to April 27 and Jesus says to me, "Come to Me with empty hands and an open heart, ready to receive abundant blessings. I know the depth and breadth of your neediness. Your life-path has been difficult, draining you of strength. Come to Me for nurture. Let Me fill you up with My Presence; I in you, and you in Me. My power flows most freely into week ones aware of their need for Me. Faltering steps of dependence are not lack of faith; they are links to My Presence." (John 17:20-23, Isaiah 40:29-31) Naturally, I'm crying harder.
Now these words that I dwell on speak to Jesus.
Agape, please don't dissipate.
He knows the depth and breadth of my neediness. My loneliness. My fear. My hurt. My love because He is the one who should be affirming my worthiness. After all, He is my God and I dedicate my life to knowing him.
What is a good dependence on friends? Apparently, God is wanting me to know that. Maybe I'm anticipating loss or grieving what I have lost or coming to terms with change. Regardless it's painful. Being refined is painful. But, God's fire is righteous and pure and loving.
90-10 and not enough. Basically, I feel like I am giving 90 percent of myself to people. And they give nothing back. I feel like I give, give, give until I have nothing left and that's where I'm at. 2 days before finals, crying, with nothing left. I'm at the point of breaking. Or I am broken because I really can't have someone take anymore. I just need someone to give me something. So much of who I am is defined by my friendships. I need them. I need these people I trust and love and love and trust. I've been listening to this song Agape by Bear's Den a lot. The lyrics:
Well Agape Please don't dissipate Yeah I know that I have got it so wrong I'm reaching out To touch you now But baby I'm clutching at straws For I'm so scared of losing you And I don't know what I can do about it About it So tell me how long love before you go And leave me here on my own I know it I don't want to know who I am without you I don't want to know I don't want to know I don't want to know For I'm so scared of losing you And I don't know what I can do about it About it So tell me how long love before you go And leave me here on my own I know it, yeah I know it Tell me how long love before you go And leave me here on my own I know it I don't want to know who I am without you I don't want to know who I am without you
Again music showing me something. Then another song he sings, "I'm gonna give all my love to you". I don't know what the limits are. Honestly. I think if I just show and show and show them how much I love them they'll love me back that much. I just end up waiting. I don't know who I am without these people because they affirm that I'm worthy of love and attention and care and generosity and phone calls and hangout days and choosing to spend time with me over someone else. So, then I show and show and give some more. The reality is probably not as bad as that. Like if I stop trying then it will fall apart.
So, I'm crying on my bed and my mom is freaking out because she doesn't know how to help because I won't let her because I'm fine. She puts Jesus Calling on my nightstand open to April 27 and Jesus says to me, "Come to Me with empty hands and an open heart, ready to receive abundant blessings. I know the depth and breadth of your neediness. Your life-path has been difficult, draining you of strength. Come to Me for nurture. Let Me fill you up with My Presence; I in you, and you in Me. My power flows most freely into week ones aware of their need for Me. Faltering steps of dependence are not lack of faith; they are links to My Presence." (John 17:20-23, Isaiah 40:29-31) Naturally, I'm crying harder.
Now these words that I dwell on speak to Jesus.
Agape, please don't dissipate.
He knows the depth and breadth of my neediness. My loneliness. My fear. My hurt. My love because He is the one who should be affirming my worthiness. After all, He is my God and I dedicate my life to knowing him.
What is a good dependence on friends? Apparently, God is wanting me to know that. Maybe I'm anticipating loss or grieving what I have lost or coming to terms with change. Regardless it's painful. Being refined is painful. But, God's fire is righteous and pure and loving.
Monday, April 22, 2013
Retrospect:
April 23, 2011
Lord God,
You are my hope and my everlasting joy. Why am I not faithful to that? Why do I not rely on it? Why do I constantly stray from it? Why do I continuously believe that other things will give me greater pleasure? King Jesus, you give me power through the spirit. Overcome these things in my life
April 29, 2012
Actions. Actions do not equal devotion. I am not devoted to you because I read my bible and pray. I am not devoted to you because I sing about you and lift you to the sky with my words. I am not devoted to you. God, I ask 'where are you?' but you are asking me, "Where are you!?" Where am I? Why, what, how... How do I know your love when I am not seeking it? Why, what, how? All these questions. I don't just be. My heart isn't here. My heart isn't devoted. All these prayers are the same. I am so stagnant.
Lean on Jesus so hard that when he moves you fall over.
April 14, 2013
Give me faith to trust what you say. Give give me that faith. The kind that knows you never fail when I do. I'm learning that. I love it. I guess I just want to rejoice. You are so so so good to me. I think I'm realizing about freedom. Like, because we are God's children and we have the spirit and discernment we have the freedom to make choices. They might not always be the right one. But, that is why God is there to shepherd us because it will be His will done. He is sovereign. He trusts us to ask. To be led by Him. So, freedom... It is a beautiful thing.
Most days I wake up and look in the mirror. Each time I want to be shocked by my beauty, it seems that then I would believe in it. Most days I have conversations with friends. Each time I want to be shocked by my wisdom, it seems that then I would believe I have it. Most days I am generous with my time and energy. Each time I want to be blessed by reactions, it seems that then I would believe it was real. Mostly, I want my days to be different than they are. I have a hard time accepting what people say about me. Leader, bold, passionate, wise, beautiful, generous, caring... these words are supposed to make up who I am. As a daughter of Christ, that is. I get stuck thinking I'm no different than I was 1, 2, or 3 years ago. But, here is evidence that things have changed. God has and is transforming me. His power is evident. Be encouraged that on the days you don't realize who you are other people do. God knows me. He knows my heart.
"I have prayed for you, Shanna, that your faith would not fail" The Lord knows your heart.
Lord God,
You are my hope and my everlasting joy. Why am I not faithful to that? Why do I not rely on it? Why do I constantly stray from it? Why do I continuously believe that other things will give me greater pleasure? King Jesus, you give me power through the spirit. Overcome these things in my life
April 29, 2012
Actions. Actions do not equal devotion. I am not devoted to you because I read my bible and pray. I am not devoted to you because I sing about you and lift you to the sky with my words. I am not devoted to you. God, I ask 'where are you?' but you are asking me, "Where are you!?" Where am I? Why, what, how... How do I know your love when I am not seeking it? Why, what, how? All these questions. I don't just be. My heart isn't here. My heart isn't devoted. All these prayers are the same. I am so stagnant.
Lean on Jesus so hard that when he moves you fall over.
April 14, 2013
Give me faith to trust what you say. Give give me that faith. The kind that knows you never fail when I do. I'm learning that. I love it. I guess I just want to rejoice. You are so so so good to me. I think I'm realizing about freedom. Like, because we are God's children and we have the spirit and discernment we have the freedom to make choices. They might not always be the right one. But, that is why God is there to shepherd us because it will be His will done. He is sovereign. He trusts us to ask. To be led by Him. So, freedom... It is a beautiful thing.
Most days I wake up and look in the mirror. Each time I want to be shocked by my beauty, it seems that then I would believe in it. Most days I have conversations with friends. Each time I want to be shocked by my wisdom, it seems that then I would believe I have it. Most days I am generous with my time and energy. Each time I want to be blessed by reactions, it seems that then I would believe it was real. Mostly, I want my days to be different than they are. I have a hard time accepting what people say about me. Leader, bold, passionate, wise, beautiful, generous, caring... these words are supposed to make up who I am. As a daughter of Christ, that is. I get stuck thinking I'm no different than I was 1, 2, or 3 years ago. But, here is evidence that things have changed. God has and is transforming me. His power is evident. Be encouraged that on the days you don't realize who you are other people do. God knows me. He knows my heart.
"I have prayed for you, Shanna, that your faith would not fail" The Lord knows your heart.
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Heart and Mind:
When my heart and mind won't connect I write. I write because this creates a bridge between what I'm thinking and what I'm feeling. The process of formulating words helps me to walk between them and understand it all. Kind of like taking a hair dryer to a foggy mirror, things clear up and you can see. But, even now I write and there is this big WHY written in stone across the bridge. I can't get around it, over it or through it until I figure it out. That's what I think anyway. God says it differently.
John writes, "The old commandment is the word that you have heard. At the same time, it is a new commandment that I am writing to you, which is true in him and in you, because the darkness is passing away and the true light is already shining."
God says to me, Shanna, my dear, listen to what you have heard. Understand what you have heard. Believe in what you have heard and let it make you new. He says, Shanna, my beauty, the darkness is passing away, do you see me? The light that is shining? He says to me, Shanna, my adoration, do you trust me? He says to me, sweetie, walk with me through this 'why', into the light and rejoice. He says to me, Shanna, my daughter, you are loved, receive this. There is no fog, there is no uncertainty, I have designed you this way because I love you this way. He says, Shanna, you are mine, you are perfectly mine.
It is an incredible blessing to be able to walk away from lies and run straight into Truth, to be steadfast in my identity. I wasn't this way, haven't been this way for long. In fact, there are fissures I find everyday. But, there are people to fill those with words of affirmation, the word of Truth and there is the Daddy in heaven pouring grace, peace, confidence, strength and love over me. I know these things because they are being tested. Daily, hourly. It's this process I don't understand. God seriously pouring over me, protecting me, my heart and my mind, guiding me and showing me good. Oh my is He showing me good. To laugh at dreams that mean something, and come to painful realizations and still grasp all the more tightly to His hand. Our God is good.
It is His word, that is old but becomes new everyday to show me what is good and right. I love Him. I love that God shows me what it means to need and to crave him. I love that after this I know.
"I write these things to you who believe in the name of the Son God that you may know that you have eternal life. And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us. And if we know that he hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests that we have asked of him" (1 John 5:13-15)
"Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good....rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer" (Romans 12: 9, 10, 12)
John writes, "The old commandment is the word that you have heard. At the same time, it is a new commandment that I am writing to you, which is true in him and in you, because the darkness is passing away and the true light is already shining."
God says to me, Shanna, my dear, listen to what you have heard. Understand what you have heard. Believe in what you have heard and let it make you new. He says, Shanna, my beauty, the darkness is passing away, do you see me? The light that is shining? He says to me, Shanna, my adoration, do you trust me? He says to me, sweetie, walk with me through this 'why', into the light and rejoice. He says to me, Shanna, my daughter, you are loved, receive this. There is no fog, there is no uncertainty, I have designed you this way because I love you this way. He says, Shanna, you are mine, you are perfectly mine.
It is an incredible blessing to be able to walk away from lies and run straight into Truth, to be steadfast in my identity. I wasn't this way, haven't been this way for long. In fact, there are fissures I find everyday. But, there are people to fill those with words of affirmation, the word of Truth and there is the Daddy in heaven pouring grace, peace, confidence, strength and love over me. I know these things because they are being tested. Daily, hourly. It's this process I don't understand. God seriously pouring over me, protecting me, my heart and my mind, guiding me and showing me good. Oh my is He showing me good. To laugh at dreams that mean something, and come to painful realizations and still grasp all the more tightly to His hand. Our God is good.
It is His word, that is old but becomes new everyday to show me what is good and right. I love Him. I love that God shows me what it means to need and to crave him. I love that after this I know.
"I write these things to you who believe in the name of the Son God that you may know that you have eternal life. And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us. And if we know that he hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests that we have asked of him" (1 John 5:13-15)
"Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good....rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer" (Romans 12: 9, 10, 12)
Friday, February 22, 2013
Crowded:
I'm sitting in the dining room on campus. It's crowded and loud, full of life and conversation. It's busy and overwhelming. Kind of like my life. I knew going into this semester I would be busier than I ever have, but I didn't realize nearly every conversation would begin or end with "I'm sorry, I'm just so busy." I thought after a restful break, and a pretty easy fall semester I would be geared up and ready for it. The chaos. The busyness, the feeling of drowning.
But, I've learned that God doesn't give me a dose of sustaining power to last me the 4 months til summer. He gives me a little and waits for me to ask for more. He's always waiting for us to ask for more. I didn't realize that I would only feel like I could breathe while in His presence or asking Him for more. I didn't realize how much I would need it. The calm. And I didn't realize I would be scared by the need.
He's placed a new person in my life. One that turned things around and upside down. It is strange to have another need, or another focus. Not a distraction but an addition to the pulse of people that runs through my mind each day. I'm aware of a new life, the new responsibility. I took a step out and forward to see where it would go and I realized that he'll take my hand and lead me. God will take my hand and lead me, too.
It runs deep, the need to trust, or to have a hand to hold. I've learned about that trust. "Blessed be the woman who trusts in the Lord. Whose trust is the Lord." Am I that woman? Am I blessed? Absolutely. The question remains, though. Who do I trust more than myself? Why is it a need for God that scares me and not a life without Him? It's profound for me to feel afraid of taking that step. It is overwhelming for me to put into words the need that is in the core of me. But, I think I find fulfillment in the idea. I need Him more than I need air. I need Him more than warmth. I want to be in His presence more than I want to live.
God is revealing. He is true and kind. He is powerful and patient. He is my need and the deepest desire of my heart.
But, I've learned that God doesn't give me a dose of sustaining power to last me the 4 months til summer. He gives me a little and waits for me to ask for more. He's always waiting for us to ask for more. I didn't realize that I would only feel like I could breathe while in His presence or asking Him for more. I didn't realize how much I would need it. The calm. And I didn't realize I would be scared by the need.
He's placed a new person in my life. One that turned things around and upside down. It is strange to have another need, or another focus. Not a distraction but an addition to the pulse of people that runs through my mind each day. I'm aware of a new life, the new responsibility. I took a step out and forward to see where it would go and I realized that he'll take my hand and lead me. God will take my hand and lead me, too.
It runs deep, the need to trust, or to have a hand to hold. I've learned about that trust. "Blessed be the woman who trusts in the Lord. Whose trust is the Lord." Am I that woman? Am I blessed? Absolutely. The question remains, though. Who do I trust more than myself? Why is it a need for God that scares me and not a life without Him? It's profound for me to feel afraid of taking that step. It is overwhelming for me to put into words the need that is in the core of me. But, I think I find fulfillment in the idea. I need Him more than I need air. I need Him more than warmth. I want to be in His presence more than I want to live.
God is revealing. He is true and kind. He is powerful and patient. He is my need and the deepest desire of my heart.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Mosaic
It's been awhile. But, I was in no place to write.
Lately, I've been stuck on the darkness of life. Instead of searching for beauty I let an unwilling spirit corrupt my perception of my world. I told a friend I was feeling "black". Instead of orange or yellow, it seemed as if joy didn't really have a place within my environment. But, that has changed.
God's grace is magnificent. I've realized I would have no perception of grace if I didn't know Him. Not just grace though. I wouldn't know forgiveness or justice, joy or anger. These things have no real place without knowing the Creator of all that is good. I've been stuck. Stuck. Stuck. Stuck. It was things like friendships, school, life choices, boys, worldly things that kept me away. Or kept me stuck.
It wasn't until a few days ago that I realized I would only become free from this struggle when I decided God was more important than me. Or that people were more important than me. I would only be free when I realized that even freedom I could not earn. I could only be given. Basically, I'm not good enough. I never will be. Finally, I'm okay with that.
I've never considered myself prideful. I didn't think that was what the "thorn" in my side was. But, it was pride that ruined unconditional love. It was pride that ruined beauty. It was pride that turned things black. You might think I wish I had come to this realization sooner, but I don't. It was because of the pain that I can know light. Christ didn't offer himself up without excruciating pain. It wasn't just that he died on the cross, or that he gave his life. It was first, that became nothing. He decided that the throne was less important than me. Can we just praise him for a minute? Or ten? Cause that is incredible. He decided that being the King of the Universe was less important than you. It is that example that I've begun to cherish.
In a simple text, I changed things. They went from bad to unavoidable. But, instead of trying to control the situation. I looked to Jesus. What was His example? I asked for help. He heard my plea.
I realized that His mercies, which are new every morning, put things back together. So all those shattered pieces? They become something stunning. They become a mosaic of all things good and bad. There will be no perfection until we are standing at the feet of the King. Until that moment, we are just beautiful mosaics.
Lately, I've been stuck on the darkness of life. Instead of searching for beauty I let an unwilling spirit corrupt my perception of my world. I told a friend I was feeling "black". Instead of orange or yellow, it seemed as if joy didn't really have a place within my environment. But, that has changed.
God's grace is magnificent. I've realized I would have no perception of grace if I didn't know Him. Not just grace though. I wouldn't know forgiveness or justice, joy or anger. These things have no real place without knowing the Creator of all that is good. I've been stuck. Stuck. Stuck. Stuck. It was things like friendships, school, life choices, boys, worldly things that kept me away. Or kept me stuck.
It wasn't until a few days ago that I realized I would only become free from this struggle when I decided God was more important than me. Or that people were more important than me. I would only be free when I realized that even freedom I could not earn. I could only be given. Basically, I'm not good enough. I never will be. Finally, I'm okay with that.
I've never considered myself prideful. I didn't think that was what the "thorn" in my side was. But, it was pride that ruined unconditional love. It was pride that ruined beauty. It was pride that turned things black. You might think I wish I had come to this realization sooner, but I don't. It was because of the pain that I can know light. Christ didn't offer himself up without excruciating pain. It wasn't just that he died on the cross, or that he gave his life. It was first, that became nothing. He decided that the throne was less important than me. Can we just praise him for a minute? Or ten? Cause that is incredible. He decided that being the King of the Universe was less important than you. It is that example that I've begun to cherish.
In a simple text, I changed things. They went from bad to unavoidable. But, instead of trying to control the situation. I looked to Jesus. What was His example? I asked for help. He heard my plea.
I realized that His mercies, which are new every morning, put things back together. So all those shattered pieces? They become something stunning. They become a mosaic of all things good and bad. There will be no perfection until we are standing at the feet of the King. Until that moment, we are just beautiful mosaics.
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