I'm sitting in the dining room on campus. It's crowded and loud, full of life and conversation. It's busy and overwhelming. Kind of like my life. I knew going into this semester I would be busier than I ever have, but I didn't realize nearly every conversation would begin or end with "I'm sorry, I'm just so busy." I thought after a restful break, and a pretty easy fall semester I would be geared up and ready for it. The chaos. The busyness, the feeling of drowning.
But, I've learned that God doesn't give me a dose of sustaining power to last me the 4 months til summer. He gives me a little and waits for me to ask for more. He's always waiting for us to ask for more. I didn't realize that I would only feel like I could breathe while in His presence or asking Him for more. I didn't realize how much I would need it. The calm. And I didn't realize I would be scared by the need.
He's placed a new person in my life. One that turned things around and upside down. It is strange to have another need, or another focus. Not a distraction but an addition to the pulse of people that runs through my mind each day. I'm aware of a new life, the new responsibility. I took a step out and forward to see where it would go and I realized that he'll take my hand and lead me. God will take my hand and lead me, too.
It runs deep, the need to trust, or to have a hand to hold. I've learned about that trust. "Blessed be the woman who trusts in the Lord. Whose trust is the Lord." Am I that woman? Am I blessed? Absolutely. The question remains, though. Who do I trust more than myself? Why is it a need for God that scares me and not a life without Him? It's profound for me to feel afraid of taking that step. It is overwhelming for me to put into words the need that is in the core of me. But, I think I find fulfillment in the idea. I need Him more than I need air. I need Him more than warmth. I want to be in His presence more than I want to live.
God is revealing. He is true and kind. He is powerful and patient. He is my need and the deepest desire of my heart.
you're post gives me hope for sure, I am making the incredibly difficult decision, because I am the wrong kind of busy right now. I can financially support myself through other means, I mean what is 13 years of work (continuing as well) developing my skills as a musician if I am not willing to take the time to make that my source of income?
ReplyDeleteLife's definitely a whirlwind around me, and I can't help but hold God accountable during the same times I am asking him for help, so I figure it is in my power through Christ to balance my life for the better.
Keep at this, haha, as you can see people do read it/can be positively effected by it