Not Enough:

I don't really know how to start this. These words, ninety-ten and not enough, keep playing in my head and usually when that happens I start to write. I know exactly what I'm thinking but to put it out here is hard. Too honest. Too vulnerable. Too pathetic.

90-10 and not enough. Basically, I feel like I am giving 90 percent of myself to people. And they give nothing back. I feel like I give, give, give until I have nothing left and that's where I'm at. 2 days before finals, crying, with nothing left. I'm at the point of breaking. Or I am broken because I really can't have someone take anymore. I just need someone to give me something. So much of who I am is defined by my friendships. I need them. I need these people I trust and love and love and trust. I've been listening to this song Agape by Bear's Den a lot. The lyrics:

Well Agape
Please don't dissipate
Yeah I know that I have got it so wrong
I'm reaching out
To touch you now
But baby I'm clutching at straws

For I'm so scared of losing you
And I don't know what I can do about it
About it
So tell me how long love before you go
And leave me here on my own
I know it
I don't want to know who I am without you
I don't want to know
I don't want to know
I don't want to know

For I'm so scared of losing you
And I don't know what I can do about it
About it
So tell me how long love before you go
And leave me here on my own
I know it, yeah I know it
Tell me how long love before you go
And leave me here on my own
I know it
I don't want to know who I am without you
I don't want to know who I am without you

Again music showing me something. Then another song he sings, "I'm gonna give all my love to you".  I don't know what the limits are. Honestly. I think if I just show and show and show them how much I love them they'll love me back that much. I just end up waiting. I don't know who I am without these people because they affirm that I'm worthy of love and attention and care and generosity and phone calls and hangout days and choosing to spend time with me over someone else. So, then I show and show and give some more. The reality is probably not as bad as that. Like if I stop trying then it will fall apart.

So, I'm crying on my bed and my mom is freaking out because she doesn't know how to help because I won't let her because I'm fine. She puts Jesus Calling on my nightstand open to April 27 and Jesus says to me, "Come to Me with empty hands and an open heart, ready to receive abundant blessings. I know the depth and breadth of your neediness. Your life-path has been difficult, draining you of strength. Come to Me for nurture. Let Me fill you up with My Presence; I in you, and you in Me. My power flows most freely into week ones aware of their need for Me. Faltering steps of dependence are not lack of faith; they are links to My Presence." (John 17:20-23, Isaiah 40:29-31) Naturally, I'm crying harder.

Now these words that I dwell on speak to Jesus.
Agape, please don't dissipate. 
He knows the depth and breadth of my neediness. My loneliness. My fear. My hurt. My love because He is the one who should be affirming my worthiness. After all, He is my God and I dedicate my life to knowing him.

What is a good dependence on friends? Apparently, God is wanting me to know that. Maybe I'm anticipating loss or grieving what I have lost or coming to terms with change. Regardless it's painful. Being refined is painful. But, God's fire is righteous and pure and loving.