Perspective:

My roommate is getting married in two days. I will be in New York in three days and in 7 weeks I will be done with my freshman year of college. A lot is happening in a short time. So, I've been reflecting on time spent.

I was expecting a lot of things this year. I had come from my high school years that I loved. I had a solid group of friends, lots of responsibility and a lot of memories to last me. I was expecting to experience God in a magnificent way. I was expecting to be completely in line with His will, to be purged of past sin. But, I haven't. I haven't witnessed His incredible work in my life. At least not as I expected.

I have been watching, hearing, listening and reading all about my friend's lives. Knowing that God is doing amazing work in all of them and I was beginning to feel left behind. Overwhelmed by the feeling of having not accomplished anything, grown in any way, I began believing that I was not doing what I needed to in order for God to turn his face towards me.

But, in stillness he breathed, "let me love you". He has said before, "Be still and know that I am God." He is God. He is God. I am just a person. But, yet, I am His. So, now perspectives are changing.

God is stripping me clean, he is doing a new work in me. He is restoring places long devestated. (Isaiah 61). For now only I can sit and be with Him. Lean back and breathe. He is beginning to show me that I have nothing in my being to give to him. I am nothing, really. Empowered only by and through his spirit. I realize that this work He is doing, will be a long road.

So, today, God is responsible and attentive.

New things:

Times are changing. This year has been a whirlwind of growing experiences and life changes. It is coming to a close and as the seasons change I think about what this year has been. Soon, I will have two sisters several states away from me, one of them married. I will be finishing my first semester as a college student and will be preparing for a possible summer long trip across the world. This isn't easy.

I have seen the amazing works God has done for me this past year and I can only imagine what He has in store for me in this next one. It is strange having your life pulled in so many differnt directions. Yet, still knowing God to be your constant. He is never changing. He will always give us new revelation but, He will never take one away. God will always be growing and so will we.

I had an eighteenth birthday a few months ago, and suddenly I don't want to grow another year. I am tired of this changing. The college years are such transient times that I just want to take a break and kind of go back to home. To my room, and my sisters (when we were all in one house), to my friends.


But, I still want to move forward. Recently, I have been so confused as to what my life at college will look like. God is seriously impressing upon my heart that He is my delight. I had a rough couple of days starting this new semester, Still, I need to focus on Him and depend on Him to be my delight, to be my joy and my almighty provider. I love His faithfulness, even through this struggle I am finding joy and excitement each day.

Eternity:

Hey!

Saturday night, my sisters and I went to the David Crowder concert. We listened to a lot of our favorite artists, Gungor, David Crowder Band, John Mark McMillan. It was incredible.

There I was reminded of eternity. That we are not here to worship God simply for our lifetime. But, for all of eternit. As Crowder's song goes, "I'm yours forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever..." There is not an end to our relationship with God. So when we are weary, or we don't want to read another chapter remember that we are His forever and ever and ever and ever and ever. We are His for eternity. We have time beyond our conception to praise God, to be with God.

Set free:

God is so good. In this time of fasting he is constantly revealing things to me. Most of them being the most simple concepts of Christian faith.

Yesterday was not a good day, but, tonight during time at the Tabernacle, He remains faithful. He let me know that,

I am forgiven, I am forgiven, I am pure, I am dressed in white. In the cross there is no shame, no guilt and no condemenation. I am forgiven, I am forgiven, I am pure, I am dressed in white.

That was my prayer tonight and will be for awhile. My heart feels light with finally letting go of this shame and guilt.

"In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according the riches of his grace, which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight making known to us the mystery of his will." - Ephesians 1: 7-8

Struggle:

Right now it is perfect October weather. It is windy, dark, cold, and rainy. Days like this always have an effect on me. I love this weather and I love having to crawl up in a blanket or wear three layers, but days like this make me very reflective. The stormy skies always remind me of the darkness that was and sometimes still is in my life. I have seen darkness, satan has had his power over me.Yet, then in the same moment I am reminded, "Christ is risen from the dead, trampling over death by death." and He is calling me to come awake and to rise up from the grave. I don't know why it is days like this that make me think I still have one foot in that stupid grave.

The stupid grave. I think I'm trapped. I know God is so much bigger than my sin. He has conquered my life and I have died with His son only to be risen again, fully alive in the glory of Christ. Yet, I can't let things go. I can't let go of my past. I am not wallowing, thinking I am so lowly or undeserving instead, I am so astounded at what God has done in my life. If I haven't said it already (which I have hundreds of times) God's faithfulness is incredibly... amazing? Ha! my vocabulary can't accurately express this the way I want it to.

So, I know that I am not trapped. I still feel like I am. So, pray for me? I love being able to say this. To ask for prayer, I love that God has given us the ability to be weak and helpless. I love that He has created us to need Him.

We find strength in God's strength. We find light and joy in His law. We praise His just hand. We worship His magnificent creation. However, we fall on our faces to revel in the glory of Christ's sacrafice. Jesus' weakest point: the cross, is the symbol that proclaims our faith over the world. We are our greatest because of Christ's lowest moment.

Weakness and defeat are things that christians want to avoid because it may mess up the "perfect" view that outsiders get. But, I am weak! You are weak! We have absolutely no strength! We can accomplish nothing without God's help. Why don't we praise Him for our weakness! Why don't we proclaim our actual need for a savior to the world, to our friends, to our family?

I am weak! I am struggling. I need prayer. I need a savior and I am not ashamed of that.


Okay, on a completely different note:
I had this amazing conversation with my friend's little sister, Jessi. She is an 8th grader and like many other girls she doesn't believe in her beauty. God has blessed me with this opportunity to "mentor" her. Right now that just looks like me emailing her verses daily and praying for her. But, if you know me at all you'd know that my heart's desire is to build a relationship with her. So, if you would be willing to commit to praying for her and for me as well, that God will just reveal the right verses to me. I love her and it breaks my heart that she doesn't believe God was perfect in creating her.

Worship:

May my prayer like incense rise before You
The lifting of my hands as sacrifice
Oh Lord Jesus turn Your eyes upon me
For I know there is mercy in Your sight

Your statutes are my heritage forever
My heart is set on keeping Your decrees
Please still my anxious urge toward rebellion
Let Love keep my will upon its knees

Oh God, You are my God
And I will ever praise You
Oh God, You are my God
And I will ever praise You

To all creation I can see a limit
But Your commands are boundless and have none
So Your Word is my joy and meditation
From the rising to the setting of the sun

All Your ways are loving and are faithful
The road is narrow but Your burden light
Because You gladly lean to lead the humble
I shall gladly kneel to leave my pride

To all creation I can see a limit
But Your commands are boundless and have none
So Your Word is my joy and meditation
From the rising to the setting of the sun

I will seek You in the morning
I will learn to walk in Your ways
And step by step You'll lead me
And I will follow You all of my days

lonelysome:

I have so many words. This weekend was incredibly lonely. I don't know what I am missing because half the time was spent with people. The other half was pretty much spent in solitude, unless you count textbooks as suitable company. If that is the case then it was a party.

This campus is somewhat of a "suitcase" campus, meaning that the majority of the students leave on weekends. That includes both of my roommates and nearly all of Cornerstone University. I spent most of my time not speaking to anyone.

Now, I'm writing about it and there isn't much to say. I think the purpose of writing this is to explain how unlonely it became once I went to church on Sunday. I heard an incredible message but, I can't seem to figure out how to write out here. But, I also can't open the link to the recording. Well, that's frustrating.

Basically, as soon as I can get the link I am putting it here because everyone Christian in the world should hear it. Yeah buddy! I got it!

 http://www.crossroads-development.org/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/10_2_11_Rod_Gen_32.mp3

So incredible