Not Enough:

I don't really know how to start this. These words, ninety-ten and not enough, keep playing in my head and usually when that happens I start to write. I know exactly what I'm thinking but to put it out here is hard. Too honest. Too vulnerable. Too pathetic.

90-10 and not enough. Basically, I feel like I am giving 90 percent of myself to people. And they give nothing back. I feel like I give, give, give until I have nothing left and that's where I'm at. 2 days before finals, crying, with nothing left. I'm at the point of breaking. Or I am broken because I really can't have someone take anymore. I just need someone to give me something. So much of who I am is defined by my friendships. I need them. I need these people I trust and love and love and trust. I've been listening to this song Agape by Bear's Den a lot. The lyrics:

Well Agape
Please don't dissipate
Yeah I know that I have got it so wrong
I'm reaching out
To touch you now
But baby I'm clutching at straws

For I'm so scared of losing you
And I don't know what I can do about it
About it
So tell me how long love before you go
And leave me here on my own
I know it
I don't want to know who I am without you
I don't want to know
I don't want to know
I don't want to know

For I'm so scared of losing you
And I don't know what I can do about it
About it
So tell me how long love before you go
And leave me here on my own
I know it, yeah I know it
Tell me how long love before you go
And leave me here on my own
I know it
I don't want to know who I am without you
I don't want to know who I am without you

Again music showing me something. Then another song he sings, "I'm gonna give all my love to you".  I don't know what the limits are. Honestly. I think if I just show and show and show them how much I love them they'll love me back that much. I just end up waiting. I don't know who I am without these people because they affirm that I'm worthy of love and attention and care and generosity and phone calls and hangout days and choosing to spend time with me over someone else. So, then I show and show and give some more. The reality is probably not as bad as that. Like if I stop trying then it will fall apart.

So, I'm crying on my bed and my mom is freaking out because she doesn't know how to help because I won't let her because I'm fine. She puts Jesus Calling on my nightstand open to April 27 and Jesus says to me, "Come to Me with empty hands and an open heart, ready to receive abundant blessings. I know the depth and breadth of your neediness. Your life-path has been difficult, draining you of strength. Come to Me for nurture. Let Me fill you up with My Presence; I in you, and you in Me. My power flows most freely into week ones aware of their need for Me. Faltering steps of dependence are not lack of faith; they are links to My Presence." (John 17:20-23, Isaiah 40:29-31) Naturally, I'm crying harder.

Now these words that I dwell on speak to Jesus.
Agape, please don't dissipate. 
He knows the depth and breadth of my neediness. My loneliness. My fear. My hurt. My love because He is the one who should be affirming my worthiness. After all, He is my God and I dedicate my life to knowing him.

What is a good dependence on friends? Apparently, God is wanting me to know that. Maybe I'm anticipating loss or grieving what I have lost or coming to terms with change. Regardless it's painful. Being refined is painful. But, God's fire is righteous and pure and loving.

Retrospect:

April 23, 2011

Lord God, 
You are my hope and my everlasting joy. Why am I not faithful to that? Why do I not rely on it? Why do I constantly stray from it? Why do I continuously believe that other things will give me greater pleasure? King Jesus, you give me power through the spirit. Overcome these things in my life 

April 29, 2012

Actions. Actions do not equal devotion. I am not devoted to you because I read my bible and pray. I am not devoted to you because I sing about you and lift you to the sky with my words. I am not devoted to you. God, I ask 'where are you?' but you are asking me, "Where are you!?" Where am I?  Why, what, how... How do I know your love when I am not seeking it? Why, what, how? All these questions. I don't just be. My heart isn't here. My heart isn't devoted. All these prayers are the same. I am so stagnant. 

Lean on Jesus so hard that when he moves you fall over. 

April 14, 2013

Give me faith to trust what you say. Give give me that faith. The kind that knows you never fail when I do. I'm learning that. I love it. I guess I just want to rejoice. You are so  so so good to me. I think I'm realizing about freedom. Like, because we are God's children and we have the spirit and discernment we have the freedom to make choices. They might not always be the right one. But, that is why God is there to shepherd us because it will be His will done. He is sovereign. He trusts us to ask. To be led by Him. So, freedom... It is a beautiful thing. 



Most days I wake up and look in the mirror. Each time I want to be shocked by my beauty, it seems that then I would believe in it. Most days I have conversations with friends. Each time I want to be shocked by my wisdom, it seems that then I would believe I have it. Most days I am generous with my time and energy. Each time I want to be blessed by reactions, it seems that then I would believe it was real. Mostly, I want my days to be different than they are. I have a hard time accepting what people say about me. Leader, bold, passionate, wise, beautiful, generous, caring... these words are supposed to make up who I am. As a daughter of Christ, that is.  I get stuck thinking I'm no different than I was 1, 2, or 3 years ago. But, here is evidence that things have changed. God has and is transforming me. His power is evident. Be encouraged that on the days you don't realize who you are other people do. God knows me. He knows my heart.

"I have prayed for you, Shanna, that your faith would not fail" The Lord knows your heart.

Heart and Mind:

When my heart and mind won't connect I write. I write because this creates a bridge between what I'm thinking and what I'm feeling. The process of formulating words helps me to walk between them and understand it all. Kind of like taking a hair dryer to a foggy mirror, things clear up and you can see. But, even now I write and there is this big WHY written in stone across the bridge. I can't get around it, over it or through it until I figure it out. That's what I think anyway. God says it differently.

John writes, "The old commandment is the word that you have heard. At the same time, it is a new commandment that I am writing to you, which is true in him and in you, because the darkness is passing away and the true light is already shining."

God says to me, Shanna, my dear, listen to what you have heard. Understand what you have heard. Believe in what you have heard and let it make you new. He says, Shanna, my beauty, the darkness is passing away, do you see me? The light that is shining? He says to me, Shanna, my adoration, do you trust me? He says to me, sweetie, walk with me through this 'why', into the light and rejoice. He says to me, Shanna, my daughter, you are loved, receive this. There is no fog, there is no uncertainty, I have designed you this way because I love you this way. He says, Shanna, you are mine, you are perfectly mine.

It is an incredible blessing to be able to walk away from lies and run straight into Truth, to be steadfast in my identity. I wasn't this way, haven't been this way for long. In fact, there are fissures I find everyday. But, there are people to fill those with words of affirmation, the word  of Truth and there is the Daddy in heaven pouring grace, peace, confidence, strength and love over me. I know these things because they are being tested. Daily, hourly. It's this process I don't understand. God seriously pouring over me, protecting me, my heart and my mind, guiding me and showing me good. Oh my is He showing me good. To laugh at dreams that mean something, and come to painful realizations and still grasp all the more tightly to His hand. Our God is good.

It is His word, that is old but becomes new everyday to show me what is good and right. I love Him. I love that God shows me what it means to need and to crave him. I love that after this I know.

"I write these things to you who believe in the name of the Son God that you may know that you have eternal life. And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us. And if we know that he hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests that we have asked of him" (1 John 5:13-15)

"Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good....rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer" (Romans 12: 9, 10, 12)

Crowded:

I'm sitting in the dining room on campus. It's crowded and loud, full of life and conversation. It's busy and overwhelming. Kind of like my life. I knew going into this semester I would be busier than I ever have, but I didn't realize nearly every conversation would begin or end with "I'm sorry, I'm just so busy." I thought after a restful break, and a pretty easy fall semester I would be geared up and ready for it. The chaos. The busyness, the feeling of drowning.

But, I've learned that God doesn't give me a dose of sustaining power to last me the 4 months til summer. He gives me a little and waits for me to ask for more. He's always waiting for us to ask for more. I didn't realize that I would only feel like I could breathe while in His presence or asking Him for more. I didn't realize how much I would need it. The calm. And I didn't realize I would be scared by the need.

He's placed a new person in my life. One that turned things around and upside down. It is strange to have another need, or another focus. Not a distraction but an addition to the pulse of people that runs through my mind each day. I'm aware of a new life, the new responsibility. I took a step out and forward to see where it would go and I realized that he'll take my hand and lead me. God will take my hand and lead me, too.

It runs deep, the need to trust, or to have a hand to hold. I've learned about that trust. "Blessed be the woman who trusts in the Lord. Whose trust is  the Lord." Am I that woman? Am I blessed? Absolutely. The question remains, though. Who do I trust more than myself? Why is it a need for God that scares me and not a life without Him? It's profound for me to feel afraid of taking that step. It is overwhelming for me to put into words the need that is in the core of me. But, I think I find fulfillment in the idea. I need Him more than I need air. I need Him more than warmth. I want to be in His presence more than I want to live.

God is revealing. He is true and kind. He is powerful and patient. He is my need and the deepest desire of my heart.

Mosaic

It's been awhile. But, I was in no place to write.

Lately, I've been stuck on the darkness of life. Instead of searching for beauty I let an unwilling spirit corrupt my perception of my world. I told a friend I was feeling "black". Instead of orange or yellow, it seemed as if joy didn't really have a place within my environment. But, that has changed.

God's grace is magnificent. I've realized I would have no perception of grace if I didn't know Him. Not just grace though. I wouldn't know forgiveness or justice, joy or anger. These things have no real place without knowing the Creator of all that is good. I've been stuck. Stuck. Stuck. Stuck. It was things like friendships, school, life choices, boys, worldly things that kept me away. Or kept me stuck.

It wasn't until a few days ago that I realized I would only become free from this struggle when I decided God was more important than me. Or that people were more important than me. I would only be free when I realized that even freedom I could not earn. I could only be given. Basically, I'm not good enough. I never will be. Finally, I'm okay with that.

I've never considered myself prideful. I didn't think that was what the "thorn" in my side was. But, it was pride that ruined unconditional love. It was pride that ruined beauty. It was pride that turned things black. You might think I wish I had come to this realization sooner, but I don't. It was because of the pain that I can know light. Christ didn't offer himself up without excruciating pain. It wasn't just that he died on the cross, or that he gave his life. It was first, that became nothing. He decided that the throne was less important than me. Can we just praise him for a minute? Or ten? Cause that is incredible. He decided that being the King of the Universe was less important than you. It is that example that I've begun to cherish.

In a simple text, I changed things. They went from bad to unavoidable. But, instead of trying to control the situation. I looked to Jesus. What was His example? I asked for help. He heard my plea.

I realized that His mercies, which are new every morning, put things back together. So all those shattered pieces? They become something stunning. They become a mosaic of all things good and bad. There will be no perfection until we are standing at the feet of the King. Until that moment, we are just beautiful mosaics.

All Around Me:

Several times in the last few weeks I have talked about people watching. I am a notorious people watcher. I love trying to understand people: where they come from, what they do, why they laugh, or why their style is the way it is. But, all of those conclusions can only come from what I've seen on the outside.

After spending the day at the beach with four of my closest friends, watching hundreds of people enjoy the blazing sun, I realized, these are the people. These are the people God intended for me to live with, this is my society. Each one of the individuals has been gifted something by God. The question is, do they know it? I watched so many bikini-clad girls, and I wonder if they know that they are so irrevocably loved. So powerfully cared for, so incredibly wanted. I watched the little matched twin girls playing in the sand and dream of how God can and will use them. And I see all the guys, and wonder if they know that they can get their strength from a father that wants to provide for them. Or if they know that they have a spirit that can be used for the advancement of a KING! The King.

Then I go to volunteer at the little coffee shop at the corner and I get to work with amazing people. Women who use their gifts, and Teddy who does everything from mowing grass, to painting buildings, cooking (always finding new ways to implement his favorite: lemon) and recording music. These people who are excited to bring their guitars into the shop and sing songs with those who are willing. Or Teddy who works 30 odd jobs all around Grand Rapids and still sends westsiders to the gas station to get kool aid mix for the coffee shop. These people give their whole lives. Use all of their gifts and walk always in the light. I love what I do! I love having a Christ-centered community. I love that while I play speed scrabble, or serve coffee, or talk to the regulars about their favorite books, I can hear, see and feel God moving all around me.

That's just it. He is all around me. How can I know the depths of a person just by glancing at them? I can't, but, God. But, God.. can. All of the crowds around, the couples walking hand in hand, or the people holding signs at a rally, those pierced and tattooed, those who give and then those that take, the people who live everyday with a little stop at the Pavilion. This is the clay God is working with, the clay He is molding, the clay He is transforming.  While at His fingerstips, we must also get our hands dirty. Using every bit of the something that God has given us to know these people, and to live among them shining only light.

Freedom:

Whom the Lord sets free is free indeed.

So why not be finally free?

I often see a  big gaping hole in the lives of my non-christian friends. One, I automatically assume is there because of their lack of knowing Christ. Their big brother who vouches for them and for their Papa in Heaven who yearns for them. I notice their favorite things to do, or how they spend their time, always thinking they are trying to fill a void. And they are. But, I'm beginning to realize that I have the same gaping hole. I am still trying to fill that immense void.

A few weeks ago, I proclaimed OUT LOUD that I would trust in God. And He provided security, safety and comfort as a I made those small steps of trust. But, now what? I can't just go on a feeling, I need to be practical. And practically trusting God means to stop needing to fill a void and just letting HIM fill it. Fill it completely. Not nearly, so I still have space for the things I "love". But, wholly, completely, utterly fill up that hole in me, so all of the things I love point straight back to those wonderful men in my life. So that all of my delights pours out of me as a result of being filled to the brim.

 To be free. Oh, to be free.

God is getting me there. Slowly.