When my heart and mind won't connect I write. I write because this creates a bridge between what I'm thinking and what I'm feeling. The process of formulating words helps me to walk between them and understand it all. Kind of like taking a hair dryer to a foggy mirror, things clear up and you can see. But, even now I write and there is this big WHY written in stone across the bridge. I can't get around it, over it or through it until I figure it out. That's what I think anyway. God says it differently.
John writes, "The old commandment is the word that you have heard. At the same time, it is a new commandment that I am writing to you, which is true in him and in you, because the darkness is passing away and the true light is already shining."
God says to me, Shanna, my dear, listen to what you have heard. Understand what you have heard. Believe in what you have heard and let it make you new. He says, Shanna, my beauty, the darkness is passing away, do you see me? The light that is shining? He says to me, Shanna, my adoration, do you trust me? He says to me, sweetie, walk with me through this 'why', into the light and rejoice. He says to me, Shanna, my daughter, you are loved, receive this. There is no fog, there is no uncertainty, I have designed you this way because I love you this way. He says, Shanna, you are mine, you are perfectly mine.
It is an incredible blessing to be able to walk away from lies and run straight into Truth, to be steadfast in my identity. I wasn't this way, haven't been this way for long. In fact, there are fissures I find everyday. But, there are people to fill those with words of affirmation, the word of Truth and there is the Daddy in heaven pouring grace, peace, confidence, strength and love over me. I know these things because they are being tested. Daily, hourly. It's this process I don't understand. God seriously pouring over me, protecting me, my heart and my mind, guiding me and showing me good. Oh my is He showing me good. To laugh at dreams that mean something, and come to painful realizations and still grasp all the more tightly to His hand. Our God is good.
It is His word, that is old but becomes new everyday to show me what is good and right. I love Him. I love that God shows me what it means to need and to crave him. I love that after this I know.
"I write these things to you who believe in the name of the Son God that you may know that you have eternal life. And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us. And if we know that he hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests that we have asked of him" (1 John 5:13-15)
"Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good....rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer" (Romans 12: 9, 10, 12)
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Friday, February 22, 2013
Crowded:
I'm sitting in the dining room on campus. It's crowded and loud, full of life and conversation. It's busy and overwhelming. Kind of like my life. I knew going into this semester I would be busier than I ever have, but I didn't realize nearly every conversation would begin or end with "I'm sorry, I'm just so busy." I thought after a restful break, and a pretty easy fall semester I would be geared up and ready for it. The chaos. The busyness, the feeling of drowning.
But, I've learned that God doesn't give me a dose of sustaining power to last me the 4 months til summer. He gives me a little and waits for me to ask for more. He's always waiting for us to ask for more. I didn't realize that I would only feel like I could breathe while in His presence or asking Him for more. I didn't realize how much I would need it. The calm. And I didn't realize I would be scared by the need.
He's placed a new person in my life. One that turned things around and upside down. It is strange to have another need, or another focus. Not a distraction but an addition to the pulse of people that runs through my mind each day. I'm aware of a new life, the new responsibility. I took a step out and forward to see where it would go and I realized that he'll take my hand and lead me. God will take my hand and lead me, too.
It runs deep, the need to trust, or to have a hand to hold. I've learned about that trust. "Blessed be the woman who trusts in the Lord. Whose trust is the Lord." Am I that woman? Am I blessed? Absolutely. The question remains, though. Who do I trust more than myself? Why is it a need for God that scares me and not a life without Him? It's profound for me to feel afraid of taking that step. It is overwhelming for me to put into words the need that is in the core of me. But, I think I find fulfillment in the idea. I need Him more than I need air. I need Him more than warmth. I want to be in His presence more than I want to live.
God is revealing. He is true and kind. He is powerful and patient. He is my need and the deepest desire of my heart.
But, I've learned that God doesn't give me a dose of sustaining power to last me the 4 months til summer. He gives me a little and waits for me to ask for more. He's always waiting for us to ask for more. I didn't realize that I would only feel like I could breathe while in His presence or asking Him for more. I didn't realize how much I would need it. The calm. And I didn't realize I would be scared by the need.
He's placed a new person in my life. One that turned things around and upside down. It is strange to have another need, or another focus. Not a distraction but an addition to the pulse of people that runs through my mind each day. I'm aware of a new life, the new responsibility. I took a step out and forward to see where it would go and I realized that he'll take my hand and lead me. God will take my hand and lead me, too.
It runs deep, the need to trust, or to have a hand to hold. I've learned about that trust. "Blessed be the woman who trusts in the Lord. Whose trust is the Lord." Am I that woman? Am I blessed? Absolutely. The question remains, though. Who do I trust more than myself? Why is it a need for God that scares me and not a life without Him? It's profound for me to feel afraid of taking that step. It is overwhelming for me to put into words the need that is in the core of me. But, I think I find fulfillment in the idea. I need Him more than I need air. I need Him more than warmth. I want to be in His presence more than I want to live.
God is revealing. He is true and kind. He is powerful and patient. He is my need and the deepest desire of my heart.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Mosaic
It's been awhile. But, I was in no place to write.
Lately, I've been stuck on the darkness of life. Instead of searching for beauty I let an unwilling spirit corrupt my perception of my world. I told a friend I was feeling "black". Instead of orange or yellow, it seemed as if joy didn't really have a place within my environment. But, that has changed.
God's grace is magnificent. I've realized I would have no perception of grace if I didn't know Him. Not just grace though. I wouldn't know forgiveness or justice, joy or anger. These things have no real place without knowing the Creator of all that is good. I've been stuck. Stuck. Stuck. Stuck. It was things like friendships, school, life choices, boys, worldly things that kept me away. Or kept me stuck.
It wasn't until a few days ago that I realized I would only become free from this struggle when I decided God was more important than me. Or that people were more important than me. I would only be free when I realized that even freedom I could not earn. I could only be given. Basically, I'm not good enough. I never will be. Finally, I'm okay with that.
I've never considered myself prideful. I didn't think that was what the "thorn" in my side was. But, it was pride that ruined unconditional love. It was pride that ruined beauty. It was pride that turned things black. You might think I wish I had come to this realization sooner, but I don't. It was because of the pain that I can know light. Christ didn't offer himself up without excruciating pain. It wasn't just that he died on the cross, or that he gave his life. It was first, that became nothing. He decided that the throne was less important than me. Can we just praise him for a minute? Or ten? Cause that is incredible. He decided that being the King of the Universe was less important than you. It is that example that I've begun to cherish.
In a simple text, I changed things. They went from bad to unavoidable. But, instead of trying to control the situation. I looked to Jesus. What was His example? I asked for help. He heard my plea.
I realized that His mercies, which are new every morning, put things back together. So all those shattered pieces? They become something stunning. They become a mosaic of all things good and bad. There will be no perfection until we are standing at the feet of the King. Until that moment, we are just beautiful mosaics.
Lately, I've been stuck on the darkness of life. Instead of searching for beauty I let an unwilling spirit corrupt my perception of my world. I told a friend I was feeling "black". Instead of orange or yellow, it seemed as if joy didn't really have a place within my environment. But, that has changed.
God's grace is magnificent. I've realized I would have no perception of grace if I didn't know Him. Not just grace though. I wouldn't know forgiveness or justice, joy or anger. These things have no real place without knowing the Creator of all that is good. I've been stuck. Stuck. Stuck. Stuck. It was things like friendships, school, life choices, boys, worldly things that kept me away. Or kept me stuck.
It wasn't until a few days ago that I realized I would only become free from this struggle when I decided God was more important than me. Or that people were more important than me. I would only be free when I realized that even freedom I could not earn. I could only be given. Basically, I'm not good enough. I never will be. Finally, I'm okay with that.
I've never considered myself prideful. I didn't think that was what the "thorn" in my side was. But, it was pride that ruined unconditional love. It was pride that ruined beauty. It was pride that turned things black. You might think I wish I had come to this realization sooner, but I don't. It was because of the pain that I can know light. Christ didn't offer himself up without excruciating pain. It wasn't just that he died on the cross, or that he gave his life. It was first, that became nothing. He decided that the throne was less important than me. Can we just praise him for a minute? Or ten? Cause that is incredible. He decided that being the King of the Universe was less important than you. It is that example that I've begun to cherish.
In a simple text, I changed things. They went from bad to unavoidable. But, instead of trying to control the situation. I looked to Jesus. What was His example? I asked for help. He heard my plea.
I realized that His mercies, which are new every morning, put things back together. So all those shattered pieces? They become something stunning. They become a mosaic of all things good and bad. There will be no perfection until we are standing at the feet of the King. Until that moment, we are just beautiful mosaics.
Friday, June 15, 2012
All Around Me:
Several times in the last few weeks I have talked about people watching. I am a notorious people watcher. I love trying to understand people: where they come from, what they do, why they laugh, or why their style is the way it is. But, all of those conclusions can only come from what I've seen on the outside.
After spending the day at the beach with four of my closest friends, watching hundreds of people enjoy the blazing sun, I realized, these are the people. These are the people God intended for me to live with, this is my society. Each one of the individuals has been gifted something by God. The question is, do they know it? I watched so many bikini-clad girls, and I wonder if they know that they are so irrevocably loved. So powerfully cared for, so incredibly wanted. I watched the little matched twin girls playing in the sand and dream of how God can and will use them. And I see all the guys, and wonder if they know that they can get their strength from a father that wants to provide for them. Or if they know that they have a spirit that can be used for the advancement of a KING! The King.
Then I go to volunteer at the little coffee shop at the corner and I get to work with amazing people. Women who use their gifts, and Teddy who does everything from mowing grass, to painting buildings, cooking (always finding new ways to implement his favorite: lemon) and recording music. These people who are excited to bring their guitars into the shop and sing songs with those who are willing. Or Teddy who works 30 odd jobs all around Grand Rapids and still sends westsiders to the gas station to get kool aid mix for the coffee shop. These people give their whole lives. Use all of their gifts and walk always in the light. I love what I do! I love having a Christ-centered community. I love that while I play speed scrabble, or serve coffee, or talk to the regulars about their favorite books, I can hear, see and feel God moving all around me.
That's just it. He is all around me. How can I know the depths of a person just by glancing at them? I can't, but, God. But, God.. can. All of the crowds around, the couples walking hand in hand, or the people holding signs at a rally, those pierced and tattooed, those who give and then those that take, the people who live everyday with a little stop at the Pavilion. This is the clay God is working with, the clay He is molding, the clay He is transforming. While at His fingerstips, we must also get our hands dirty. Using every bit of the something that God has given us to know these people, and to live among them shining only light.
After spending the day at the beach with four of my closest friends, watching hundreds of people enjoy the blazing sun, I realized, these are the people. These are the people God intended for me to live with, this is my society. Each one of the individuals has been gifted something by God. The question is, do they know it? I watched so many bikini-clad girls, and I wonder if they know that they are so irrevocably loved. So powerfully cared for, so incredibly wanted. I watched the little matched twin girls playing in the sand and dream of how God can and will use them. And I see all the guys, and wonder if they know that they can get their strength from a father that wants to provide for them. Or if they know that they have a spirit that can be used for the advancement of a KING! The King.
Then I go to volunteer at the little coffee shop at the corner and I get to work with amazing people. Women who use their gifts, and Teddy who does everything from mowing grass, to painting buildings, cooking (always finding new ways to implement his favorite: lemon) and recording music. These people who are excited to bring their guitars into the shop and sing songs with those who are willing. Or Teddy who works 30 odd jobs all around Grand Rapids and still sends westsiders to the gas station to get kool aid mix for the coffee shop. These people give their whole lives. Use all of their gifts and walk always in the light. I love what I do! I love having a Christ-centered community. I love that while I play speed scrabble, or serve coffee, or talk to the regulars about their favorite books, I can hear, see and feel God moving all around me.
That's just it. He is all around me. How can I know the depths of a person just by glancing at them? I can't, but, God. But, God.. can. All of the crowds around, the couples walking hand in hand, or the people holding signs at a rally, those pierced and tattooed, those who give and then those that take, the people who live everyday with a little stop at the Pavilion. This is the clay God is working with, the clay He is molding, the clay He is transforming. While at His fingerstips, we must also get our hands dirty. Using every bit of the something that God has given us to know these people, and to live among them shining only light.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Freedom:
Whom the Lord sets free is free indeed.
So why not be finally free?
I often see a big gaping hole in the lives of my non-christian friends. One, I automatically assume is there because of their lack of knowing Christ. Their big brother who vouches for them and for their Papa in Heaven who yearns for them. I notice their favorite things to do, or how they spend their time, always thinking they are trying to fill a void. And they are. But, I'm beginning to realize that I have the same gaping hole. I am still trying to fill that immense void.
A few weeks ago, I proclaimed OUT LOUD that I would trust in God. And He provided security, safety and comfort as a I made those small steps of trust. But, now what? I can't just go on a feeling, I need to be practical. And practically trusting God means to stop needing to fill a void and just letting HIM fill it. Fill it completely. Not nearly, so I still have space for the things I "love". But, wholly, completely, utterly fill up that hole in me, so all of the things I love point straight back to those wonderful men in my life. So that all of my delights pours out of me as a result of being filled to the brim.
To be free. Oh, to be free.
God is getting me there. Slowly.
So why not be finally free?
I often see a big gaping hole in the lives of my non-christian friends. One, I automatically assume is there because of their lack of knowing Christ. Their big brother who vouches for them and for their Papa in Heaven who yearns for them. I notice their favorite things to do, or how they spend their time, always thinking they are trying to fill a void. And they are. But, I'm beginning to realize that I have the same gaping hole. I am still trying to fill that immense void.
A few weeks ago, I proclaimed OUT LOUD that I would trust in God. And He provided security, safety and comfort as a I made those small steps of trust. But, now what? I can't just go on a feeling, I need to be practical. And practically trusting God means to stop needing to fill a void and just letting HIM fill it. Fill it completely. Not nearly, so I still have space for the things I "love". But, wholly, completely, utterly fill up that hole in me, so all of the things I love point straight back to those wonderful men in my life. So that all of my delights pours out of me as a result of being filled to the brim.
To be free. Oh, to be free.
God is getting me there. Slowly.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Light:
The word 'light' is used over 200 times in the bible.
"In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. The earth was without form and void, and darkness was over the face of the deep... And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. And God saw that the light was good. And God spereated the light from the darkness."
Then a few days later he wants more light, creating the sun and moon and stars. God saw that the light was good.
"The eye is the lamp of the body. So, if your eye is healthy, your whole body will be full of light, but if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light in you is darkness, how great is the darkness!"
We ingest so many things through our eyes. They saying, "the eyes are a window to the soul" is so true. I have seen so many things and sometimes those things haunt me. I can not stop those pictures from creeping into dreams or my thoughts. These things bring darkness. However, God tells me,
"The night is far gone; the day is at hand. So then let us cast off the works of darness and put on the
armor of light."
The night is far gone! Jesus has come and he has rid the world of night. We are saved! We are clean! We are burning candles. Sometimes, I live as if I am wearing sunglasses. I am aware of God, I know he is working but is seems sort of dim. Sunglasses shield us from the bright sun. We are protected from damage, or harm. But, where God is concerned we need to have our eyes opened to this incredible light. I need to take off the sunglasses. I need to open my heart to light. I need to let go of the safety of the dimness and to bask in the fire of the Lord.
"For you yourselves are fully aware that the day of the Lord will come like a thief in the night. While people are saying, "There is peace and security," then sudden destruction will come upon them as labor pains come upon a pregnant woman , and they will not escape. But you are not in darkness, brothers, for that day to surprise you like a thief. For you are all children of light, children of the day. We are not of the night or of the darkness. So then let us not sleep, as others do, but let us keep awake and be sober."
He tells us to not sleep, to keep awake and be sober. We are called as followers of Christ to not succumb to the darkness. We are told so many times throughout the bible to be set apart from the world, to be free of sin. Again, we are told be keep awake. Stay in the light.
This passage is so beautiful to me. The Lord will come and and steal away the darkness. Where we say we have peace and security there is actually destruction and pain. But, "[we] are not in darkeness... [we] are children of light, children of the day." The things of this world that promise me hope, security and peace are actually leading to a soul full of darkness. Fire burns, but this burning is what refines us. Fire is furious, it does not stop. God's love is furious and never ceases. Fire burns through night and brings morning. God promises that we have new mercy every morning. Fire destroys, but new plants need sunlight! God's fire destroys darkness but His promise is restoration.
God is overwhelmingly light. He breaks through darkness and shines. As he shines, we realize sin, fault and brokenness, but then he becomes gentle and heals. He is God. He is good. Today I praise him for his light.
Finally, I think I'm supposed to drag something into the light.
"For it is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. But everything exposed by the light becomes visible, and everything that is illuminated becomes a light. For this is why it is said, 'Wake up, O Sleeper, rise from the dead and Christ will shine on you.'"
Although I think I am awake, I think God has been telling me that I am asleep. I am asleep with a shield over my eyes. How will God get to my heart in this condition?
"In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. The earth was without form and void, and darkness was over the face of the deep... And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. And God saw that the light was good. And God spereated the light from the darkness."
Then a few days later he wants more light, creating the sun and moon and stars. God saw that the light was good.
"The eye is the lamp of the body. So, if your eye is healthy, your whole body will be full of light, but if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light in you is darkness, how great is the darkness!"
We ingest so many things through our eyes. They saying, "the eyes are a window to the soul" is so true. I have seen so many things and sometimes those things haunt me. I can not stop those pictures from creeping into dreams or my thoughts. These things bring darkness. However, God tells me,
"The night is far gone; the day is at hand. So then let us cast off the works of darness and put on the
armor of light."
The night is far gone! Jesus has come and he has rid the world of night. We are saved! We are clean! We are burning candles. Sometimes, I live as if I am wearing sunglasses. I am aware of God, I know he is working but is seems sort of dim. Sunglasses shield us from the bright sun. We are protected from damage, or harm. But, where God is concerned we need to have our eyes opened to this incredible light. I need to take off the sunglasses. I need to open my heart to light. I need to let go of the safety of the dimness and to bask in the fire of the Lord.
"For you yourselves are fully aware that the day of the Lord will come like a thief in the night. While people are saying, "There is peace and security," then sudden destruction will come upon them as labor pains come upon a pregnant woman , and they will not escape. But you are not in darkness, brothers, for that day to surprise you like a thief. For you are all children of light, children of the day. We are not of the night or of the darkness. So then let us not sleep, as others do, but let us keep awake and be sober."
He tells us to not sleep, to keep awake and be sober. We are called as followers of Christ to not succumb to the darkness. We are told so many times throughout the bible to be set apart from the world, to be free of sin. Again, we are told be keep awake. Stay in the light.
This passage is so beautiful to me. The Lord will come and and steal away the darkness. Where we say we have peace and security there is actually destruction and pain. But, "[we] are not in darkeness... [we] are children of light, children of the day." The things of this world that promise me hope, security and peace are actually leading to a soul full of darkness. Fire burns, but this burning is what refines us. Fire is furious, it does not stop. God's love is furious and never ceases. Fire burns through night and brings morning. God promises that we have new mercy every morning. Fire destroys, but new plants need sunlight! God's fire destroys darkness but His promise is restoration.
God is overwhelmingly light. He breaks through darkness and shines. As he shines, we realize sin, fault and brokenness, but then he becomes gentle and heals. He is God. He is good. Today I praise him for his light.
Finally, I think I'm supposed to drag something into the light.
"For it is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. But everything exposed by the light becomes visible, and everything that is illuminated becomes a light. For this is why it is said, 'Wake up, O Sleeper, rise from the dead and Christ will shine on you.'"
Although I think I am awake, I think God has been telling me that I am asleep. I am asleep with a shield over my eyes. How will God get to my heart in this condition?
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Perspective:
My roommate is getting married in two days. I will be in New York in three days and in 7 weeks I will be done with my freshman year of college. A lot is happening in a short time. So, I've been reflecting on time spent.
I was expecting a lot of things this year. I had come from my high school years that I loved. I had a solid group of friends, lots of responsibility and a lot of memories to last me. I was expecting to experience God in a magnificent way. I was expecting to be completely in line with His will, to be purged of past sin. But, I haven't. I haven't witnessed His incredible work in my life. At least not as I expected.
I have been watching, hearing, listening and reading all about my friend's lives. Knowing that God is doing amazing work in all of them and I was beginning to feel left behind. Overwhelmed by the feeling of having not accomplished anything, grown in any way, I began believing that I was not doing what I needed to in order for God to turn his face towards me.
But, in stillness he breathed, "let me love you". He has said before, "Be still and know that I am God." He is God. He is God. I am just a person. But, yet, I am His. So, now perspectives are changing.
God is stripping me clean, he is doing a new work in me. He is restoring places long devestated. (Isaiah 61). For now only I can sit and be with Him. Lean back and breathe. He is beginning to show me that I have nothing in my being to give to him. I am nothing, really. Empowered only by and through his spirit. I realize that this work He is doing, will be a long road.
So, today, God is responsible and attentive.
I was expecting a lot of things this year. I had come from my high school years that I loved. I had a solid group of friends, lots of responsibility and a lot of memories to last me. I was expecting to experience God in a magnificent way. I was expecting to be completely in line with His will, to be purged of past sin. But, I haven't. I haven't witnessed His incredible work in my life. At least not as I expected.
I have been watching, hearing, listening and reading all about my friend's lives. Knowing that God is doing amazing work in all of them and I was beginning to feel left behind. Overwhelmed by the feeling of having not accomplished anything, grown in any way, I began believing that I was not doing what I needed to in order for God to turn his face towards me.
But, in stillness he breathed, "let me love you". He has said before, "Be still and know that I am God." He is God. He is God. I am just a person. But, yet, I am His. So, now perspectives are changing.
God is stripping me clean, he is doing a new work in me. He is restoring places long devestated. (Isaiah 61). For now only I can sit and be with Him. Lean back and breathe. He is beginning to show me that I have nothing in my being to give to him. I am nothing, really. Empowered only by and through his spirit. I realize that this work He is doing, will be a long road.
So, today, God is responsible and attentive.
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