Not Enough:

I don't really know how to start this. These words, ninety-ten and not enough, keep playing in my head and usually when that happens I start to write. I know exactly what I'm thinking but to put it out here is hard. Too honest. Too vulnerable. Too pathetic.

90-10 and not enough. Basically, I feel like I am giving 90 percent of myself to people. And they give nothing back. I feel like I give, give, give until I have nothing left and that's where I'm at. 2 days before finals, crying, with nothing left. I'm at the point of breaking. Or I am broken because I really can't have someone take anymore. I just need someone to give me something. So much of who I am is defined by my friendships. I need them. I need these people I trust and love and love and trust. I've been listening to this song Agape by Bear's Den a lot. The lyrics:

Well Agape
Please don't dissipate
Yeah I know that I have got it so wrong
I'm reaching out
To touch you now
But baby I'm clutching at straws

For I'm so scared of losing you
And I don't know what I can do about it
About it
So tell me how long love before you go
And leave me here on my own
I know it
I don't want to know who I am without you
I don't want to know
I don't want to know
I don't want to know

For I'm so scared of losing you
And I don't know what I can do about it
About it
So tell me how long love before you go
And leave me here on my own
I know it, yeah I know it
Tell me how long love before you go
And leave me here on my own
I know it
I don't want to know who I am without you
I don't want to know who I am without you

Again music showing me something. Then another song he sings, "I'm gonna give all my love to you".  I don't know what the limits are. Honestly. I think if I just show and show and show them how much I love them they'll love me back that much. I just end up waiting. I don't know who I am without these people because they affirm that I'm worthy of love and attention and care and generosity and phone calls and hangout days and choosing to spend time with me over someone else. So, then I show and show and give some more. The reality is probably not as bad as that. Like if I stop trying then it will fall apart.

So, I'm crying on my bed and my mom is freaking out because she doesn't know how to help because I won't let her because I'm fine. She puts Jesus Calling on my nightstand open to April 27 and Jesus says to me, "Come to Me with empty hands and an open heart, ready to receive abundant blessings. I know the depth and breadth of your neediness. Your life-path has been difficult, draining you of strength. Come to Me for nurture. Let Me fill you up with My Presence; I in you, and you in Me. My power flows most freely into week ones aware of their need for Me. Faltering steps of dependence are not lack of faith; they are links to My Presence." (John 17:20-23, Isaiah 40:29-31) Naturally, I'm crying harder.

Now these words that I dwell on speak to Jesus.
Agape, please don't dissipate. 
He knows the depth and breadth of my neediness. My loneliness. My fear. My hurt. My love because He is the one who should be affirming my worthiness. After all, He is my God and I dedicate my life to knowing him.

What is a good dependence on friends? Apparently, God is wanting me to know that. Maybe I'm anticipating loss or grieving what I have lost or coming to terms with change. Regardless it's painful. Being refined is painful. But, God's fire is righteous and pure and loving.

Retrospect:

April 23, 2011

Lord God, 
You are my hope and my everlasting joy. Why am I not faithful to that? Why do I not rely on it? Why do I constantly stray from it? Why do I continuously believe that other things will give me greater pleasure? King Jesus, you give me power through the spirit. Overcome these things in my life 

April 29, 2012

Actions. Actions do not equal devotion. I am not devoted to you because I read my bible and pray. I am not devoted to you because I sing about you and lift you to the sky with my words. I am not devoted to you. God, I ask 'where are you?' but you are asking me, "Where are you!?" Where am I?  Why, what, how... How do I know your love when I am not seeking it? Why, what, how? All these questions. I don't just be. My heart isn't here. My heart isn't devoted. All these prayers are the same. I am so stagnant. 

Lean on Jesus so hard that when he moves you fall over. 

April 14, 2013

Give me faith to trust what you say. Give give me that faith. The kind that knows you never fail when I do. I'm learning that. I love it. I guess I just want to rejoice. You are so  so so good to me. I think I'm realizing about freedom. Like, because we are God's children and we have the spirit and discernment we have the freedom to make choices. They might not always be the right one. But, that is why God is there to shepherd us because it will be His will done. He is sovereign. He trusts us to ask. To be led by Him. So, freedom... It is a beautiful thing. 



Most days I wake up and look in the mirror. Each time I want to be shocked by my beauty, it seems that then I would believe in it. Most days I have conversations with friends. Each time I want to be shocked by my wisdom, it seems that then I would believe I have it. Most days I am generous with my time and energy. Each time I want to be blessed by reactions, it seems that then I would believe it was real. Mostly, I want my days to be different than they are. I have a hard time accepting what people say about me. Leader, bold, passionate, wise, beautiful, generous, caring... these words are supposed to make up who I am. As a daughter of Christ, that is.  I get stuck thinking I'm no different than I was 1, 2, or 3 years ago. But, here is evidence that things have changed. God has and is transforming me. His power is evident. Be encouraged that on the days you don't realize who you are other people do. God knows me. He knows my heart.

"I have prayed for you, Shanna, that your faith would not fail" The Lord knows your heart.