Eternity:

Hey!

Saturday night, my sisters and I went to the David Crowder concert. We listened to a lot of our favorite artists, Gungor, David Crowder Band, John Mark McMillan. It was incredible.

There I was reminded of eternity. That we are not here to worship God simply for our lifetime. But, for all of eternit. As Crowder's song goes, "I'm yours forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever..." There is not an end to our relationship with God. So when we are weary, or we don't want to read another chapter remember that we are His forever and ever and ever and ever and ever. We are His for eternity. We have time beyond our conception to praise God, to be with God.

Set free:

God is so good. In this time of fasting he is constantly revealing things to me. Most of them being the most simple concepts of Christian faith.

Yesterday was not a good day, but, tonight during time at the Tabernacle, He remains faithful. He let me know that,

I am forgiven, I am forgiven, I am pure, I am dressed in white. In the cross there is no shame, no guilt and no condemenation. I am forgiven, I am forgiven, I am pure, I am dressed in white.

That was my prayer tonight and will be for awhile. My heart feels light with finally letting go of this shame and guilt.

"In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according the riches of his grace, which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight making known to us the mystery of his will." - Ephesians 1: 7-8

Struggle:

Right now it is perfect October weather. It is windy, dark, cold, and rainy. Days like this always have an effect on me. I love this weather and I love having to crawl up in a blanket or wear three layers, but days like this make me very reflective. The stormy skies always remind me of the darkness that was and sometimes still is in my life. I have seen darkness, satan has had his power over me.Yet, then in the same moment I am reminded, "Christ is risen from the dead, trampling over death by death." and He is calling me to come awake and to rise up from the grave. I don't know why it is days like this that make me think I still have one foot in that stupid grave.

The stupid grave. I think I'm trapped. I know God is so much bigger than my sin. He has conquered my life and I have died with His son only to be risen again, fully alive in the glory of Christ. Yet, I can't let things go. I can't let go of my past. I am not wallowing, thinking I am so lowly or undeserving instead, I am so astounded at what God has done in my life. If I haven't said it already (which I have hundreds of times) God's faithfulness is incredibly... amazing? Ha! my vocabulary can't accurately express this the way I want it to.

So, I know that I am not trapped. I still feel like I am. So, pray for me? I love being able to say this. To ask for prayer, I love that God has given us the ability to be weak and helpless. I love that He has created us to need Him.

We find strength in God's strength. We find light and joy in His law. We praise His just hand. We worship His magnificent creation. However, we fall on our faces to revel in the glory of Christ's sacrafice. Jesus' weakest point: the cross, is the symbol that proclaims our faith over the world. We are our greatest because of Christ's lowest moment.

Weakness and defeat are things that christians want to avoid because it may mess up the "perfect" view that outsiders get. But, I am weak! You are weak! We have absolutely no strength! We can accomplish nothing without God's help. Why don't we praise Him for our weakness! Why don't we proclaim our actual need for a savior to the world, to our friends, to our family?

I am weak! I am struggling. I need prayer. I need a savior and I am not ashamed of that.


Okay, on a completely different note:
I had this amazing conversation with my friend's little sister, Jessi. She is an 8th grader and like many other girls she doesn't believe in her beauty. God has blessed me with this opportunity to "mentor" her. Right now that just looks like me emailing her verses daily and praying for her. But, if you know me at all you'd know that my heart's desire is to build a relationship with her. So, if you would be willing to commit to praying for her and for me as well, that God will just reveal the right verses to me. I love her and it breaks my heart that she doesn't believe God was perfect in creating her.

Worship:

May my prayer like incense rise before You
The lifting of my hands as sacrifice
Oh Lord Jesus turn Your eyes upon me
For I know there is mercy in Your sight

Your statutes are my heritage forever
My heart is set on keeping Your decrees
Please still my anxious urge toward rebellion
Let Love keep my will upon its knees

Oh God, You are my God
And I will ever praise You
Oh God, You are my God
And I will ever praise You

To all creation I can see a limit
But Your commands are boundless and have none
So Your Word is my joy and meditation
From the rising to the setting of the sun

All Your ways are loving and are faithful
The road is narrow but Your burden light
Because You gladly lean to lead the humble
I shall gladly kneel to leave my pride

To all creation I can see a limit
But Your commands are boundless and have none
So Your Word is my joy and meditation
From the rising to the setting of the sun

I will seek You in the morning
I will learn to walk in Your ways
And step by step You'll lead me
And I will follow You all of my days

lonelysome:

I have so many words. This weekend was incredibly lonely. I don't know what I am missing because half the time was spent with people. The other half was pretty much spent in solitude, unless you count textbooks as suitable company. If that is the case then it was a party.

This campus is somewhat of a "suitcase" campus, meaning that the majority of the students leave on weekends. That includes both of my roommates and nearly all of Cornerstone University. I spent most of my time not speaking to anyone.

Now, I'm writing about it and there isn't much to say. I think the purpose of writing this is to explain how unlonely it became once I went to church on Sunday. I heard an incredible message but, I can't seem to figure out how to write out here. But, I also can't open the link to the recording. Well, that's frustrating.

Basically, as soon as I can get the link I am putting it here because everyone Christian in the world should hear it. Yeah buddy! I got it!

 http://www.crossroads-development.org/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/10_2_11_Rod_Gen_32.mp3

So incredible

Daily Lives:

Daily life consists of eating, sleeping, studying and being in fellowship with people. In all of these things, Christ should still be the focal point. Building relationships should be based on a foundation of Christ. Eating should be to nourish the body God gave you. My attention in class and dedication to my homework should be to the glory of God.

I haven't been living that way. I have given my attention to worldliness, laziness, and waste. So, God called me out of that. He asked me again, to turn my eyes to Him. To do everything to the glory of His name. This time I obeyed.

So, now I am taking a break from several things that distracted my heart from the full life God has planned for me. Not all of these things were bad, but it is very easy to say the God is your priority, that your relationship with Christ is number one in your life and heart but, is it really? Are you absolutely living a life where you would be willing to give up anything and everything God asked you to? I wasn't. Yet, God still pursues me.

He is great and mighty and I am foolish to think that I can live without His constant attention.

Hosea 14:4:

"I will heal their apostasy (waywardness); I will love them freely, for my anger has turned from them"

I read this awhile back and it is currently one of many verses stuck to my wall. I read this thinking of others, that God will heal my friend's waywardness. But, now I am reminded of my own neglect. I have moved to college, yes. It is a christian college, yes, but I have not spent serious time in the word since getting here. I have become wayward, using excuses and counting my bible classes as devotional time.

Now, I read this and then Zepheniah 3:17 "The Lord your God  is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing."

He will quiet me. I am busy and I am distracted from my real purpose. But, God's love is poured into me as faithfulness. He stands by me waiting for when I fix my eyes, once again, to the heavens.

Glorious and mighty, you're awesome in beauty, greatly to be praised.

College Bound:

It has been a while since I've been here. I have since then moved into college, broken the ice probably a hundred times. Missed my friends intensely. Ate lots of unhealthy foods. Met incredible people. Made new friends. Rejoiced in the presence of God with hundreds of others. Slept in a new home. Accepted what God is doing in my life.

I had no idea that God would do so much in my life in such a short time. I came to this campus fully expecting to feel awkward and scared. Instead, I was excited and comfortable. I feel at home in my little cave of a desk. I feel ready to start classes and to dig into God's word. I am so incredibly thankful to my Father that watches over me and guides me into the places and situations that will best glorify His holy name.

This week I have not spent much time in the word. I have been in a wirl-wind of moving and adjusting and I have allowed that to be an excuse not to be spending quiet time with God. But, He continues to bless me.

I have met a girl that is on the floor under me, in my same hall. We clicked pretty quickly, but, I have a feeling based on a small converstaion we had last night that we will have a lot more in common than I could imagine. I know God put her in my life and I can not wait to know her whole heart and to share mine. To experience the kind of connection I am expecting.

(this was written weeks ago and is just now being published.)

Psalm Nineteen:

The Lord's law is perfect. I kind of just want this psalm to speak for itself.

The heavens declare the glory of God,

and the sky above proclaims his handiwork. 

Day to day pours out speech,

and night to night reveals knowledge.

 There is no speech, nor are there words,

whose voice is not heard.

Their voice goes out through all the earth,

and their words to the end of the world.

In them he has set a tent for the sun,

which comes out like a bridegroom leaving his chamber,

and, like a strong man, runs its course with joy.

 Its rising is from the end of the heavens,

and its circuit to the end of them,

and there is nothing hidden from its heat.

The law of the Lord is perfect,

reviving the soul;

the testimony of the Lord is sure,

making wise the simple;

the precepts of the Lord are right,

rejoicing the heart;

the commandment of the Lord is pure,

enlightening the eyes;

the fear of the Lord is clean,

enduring forever;

the rules of the Lord are true,

and righteous altogether.

More to be desired are they than gold,

even much fine gold;

sweeter also than honey

and drippings of the honeycomb. 

Moreover, by them is your servant warned;

in keeping them there is great reward.

Who can discern his errors?

Declare me innocent from hidden faults.

Keep back your servant also from presumptuous sins;

let them not have dominion over me!

Then I shall be blameless,

and innocent of great transgression.

 Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart

be acceptable in your sight,

O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.

I've been reading this psalm for a week as my prayer. I need to know and believe and have faith that the Law of the Lord is perfect. 

God promises, revival, wisdom, rejoicing, enlightenment, endurance, righteousness for those that follow his law. 

Cleave unto another

My sister got married on the 12th.

At her ceremony I read from Philippians:

Christ's Example of Humility

 So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.  Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

I just read it not really sinking in what I was reading.Then I went to a Hillsong United concert last night. Their focus was Jesus, of course. They weren't there to put on a show, instead to worship with fellow brothers and sisters it was incredible. 

They were there to worship Jesus, the savior that was perfectly spotless and still humbled himself to take His father's wrath for the world on his shoulders. To die the death that we deserve and it was powerful. I don't think I've ever sang so loud in my life. Everyone around us was pouring out their soul, basking in this glory. Rejoicing and completely emptying themselves to bring praise to our mighty savior.

When I had read this at the wedding, I knew the purpose was to commit to each other a life of humility. They followed it with a foot washing so they had a public symbol backing their verbal commitment. But, the band during the concert kept reminding us of the humility of Christ. The ultimate surrender that saved us all. That we were the bride. But, we need to be the church. Yes, we are married to Christ but, are we living as wives, submitting to their husbands? Am I being humble and giving my life to God? No, I'm not. Realizing that smoked me. God certainly ripped that curtain from my eyes.

So, I made that commitment again, Jesus, have your way, have your way, have your way. I kept asking and praying that. God almighty, have your way in my life. I want to live that way, to be living completely for the Lord with Jesus at my side. A beautiful marriage.

Psalm Eleven:

I don't think that I have read many of these earlier psalms and what I'm realizing is that David urges us to trust in the Lord. He presses on the important knowledge of God's all powerful control.

In verse 6, he says, "Let Him rain coal on the wicked", I focused on the word let.

David used that word and in doing so he highlights our human nature to need control of things. 'Let' opens the way for 'allow' and 'surrender'.

In psalm one, I found a caretaker and here it is clear that I need to trust in his promise of justice, provision and might control in my life. I need to let Him have his way.

He is in control and more than able.

God will take care of us. We are his beloved. The other day at the Tabernacle, I learned about God the covenant keeping God. If God makes a promise He will uphold it.

Psalm 12:8 "The words of the Lord are pure words, like silver refined in a furnace on the ground, purified seven times." 

Psalm Ten:

I hit a wall with this one, I studied it for a few days because I just didn't really know what I was supposed to get out of it.

"To you the helpless commits himself; you have been the helper of the fatherless... O Lord, you hear the desire of the afflicted; you will strengthen their heart; you will incline your ear to do justice to the fatherless and the oppressed."

Basically, I keep skipping over David's request to punish the wicked. I don't really know why I'm not trying to understand it. But, David keeps writing about God's attention to the poor, fatherless, the small or oppressed person. God sees, hears and takes account of all that goes on. He is the person that the needy put their hope in. He is Hope.

Ephesians 1:1-14 [Identity in Christ]:

So so so many notes. Yesterday, I went to Crossroad's College group for the first time. I thought it was surely time to accept that I am now a college student. Anyway, Lauren (a dear friend) spoke from the heart about our identity in Christ. So, I'm just going to put my notes on here because, they certainly are a picture of what God is and what He has done.

We started with a few verses to summarize the identity and promises for followers of Christ:
Genesis 1:26-28 (We are made in His likeness, and we have dominion over the earth)
Romans 2:22-23 (all sin and fall short of the glory of God, we have the righteousness of God)
Romans 5:18-19 (we are made sinner by Adam, we are made righteous by Christ)

Then we watched, The Gospel by Eric Ludy on youtube:
(We are rebels, rebellion is sin. But, we are made in God's image so as rebels we are rebelling against our own image. And then we all realized that that was really stupid)

Then we dove into Ephesians 1:
Verse 3 (we are given every spiritual blessing in all of the heavenly places. We are citizens of heaven, we are given new life [Hebrews 11})
Verse 4 (he chose us before the foundations of the world. God desires me. --->Ephesians 2:10, for we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them, We are his firstfruits. ---> 2 Thes 2:13)
Verse 5 (adopted as children according to His will. We are new members of His holy family. ---> Romans 8:15, have a spirit of adoption.)
Verse 6 (for his glory and grace, in Jesus the beloved. ---> Isaiah 42)
Verse 7 (we are redeemed, we have forgiveness. What does redeemed mean: restored, made right)
Verse 8-10 (We have lavished grace)
Verse 11 (we are possessors of His inheritance. We are God's inheritance. Also, though, wer are co-heirs with Christ. ---> 1 Peter 1:3-5, we inherit salvation, we have a redeemed relationship with God)
Verse 12-14 (We are sealed with the Holy Spirit, He protects and preserves me through our walk. [elements withstood]. He is faithful to complete His will for us.)

So, find your identity in Christ. I ask God that this will sink so deeply within me and take root of my heart, of my soul.

Psalm Nine:

This is going to be random, I was doing this while working the counter at the Pavilion.
"Let the nations know that they are but men!" God is greaty and mighty, He is supernatural, correct?

I think sometimes I forget that God is h.u.g.e. and like nothing we can know. I view him as a father, and as an intercessor, and as omnipresent. But, sadly, I often forget what He is completely capable and I get lost thinking things are too big for him. But, truth is, nothing is too big for God to conquer. Not one single thing. Which kind of leads me to the next line.

In verse four, David uses the word "maintained"
main·tain (mn-tn)

tr.v. main·tained, main·tain·ing, main·tains

1. To keep up or carry on; continue

2. To keep in an existing state; preserve or retain

3. To keep in a condition of good repair or efficiency

     a. To provide for; support

     b. To keep in existence; sustain

5. To defend or hold against criticism or attack

6. To declare to be true; affirm

7. To adhere or conform to; keep

 

That is what "maintain" means to dictionary.com, to me though, it just links me to faithfulness. In order for someone to maintain something they have to be constantly invested in preserving it, or repairing it or defending it. That is exactly what God does! He is constantly at our side, maintaining our passion, our fire, our love, our everything.

 

David says, "For you have maintained my just cause". I love that so much. He maintains our purpose, he does not allow us to veer off path or to lose sight of Him. That is incredibly really.

 

So, God is faithful.

Yofiel [God's beauty]:

When we arrive at eternity's shore, where death is just a memory and tears are no more. We'll enter in as the wedding bells ring. Your bride will come together and we'll sing, you're beautiful.

A sweet girl just arrived back from Brazil. She has been gone merely two weeks and I know she has a lifetime of spiritual growth inside her. I forced myself over to her house yesterday, because she is simply my most dearest friend, and having gone such an incredible time without her, I just had to. We talked about lots but, we kept coming back to the impossibility of God's love.

The beauty of God's love for us, His creation. I think that knowing why He loves us so powerfully is beyond our comprehension however, knowing that I can bask in the glory of it for all of eternity is incredibly awe-inspiring. God is endless as is His love for His children, His chosen few. I am one of them. I am loved so magnificently by the father that created a perfect plan for me and that illustrates His will for my life daily.

God is so beautiful. Joanna kept saying, 'God is good', which He is but, she was frustrated that we don't have better words that grasp just how good He is. That can not even touch His absolute purity. It is hard to not be able to know the 'Why' yet still comforting knowing that this is the big God we serve.

Psalm Eight:

"When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place. What is man that you are mindful of Him?"

I wish I could make little arrows, if I could I would have a little arrow coming off of that that read, 'Incredible, David is on point".

What are we? Why does God care for us, love us? Who are we? We are not capable of anything without God. We can not further his work or glorify Him without he being the one to give us the desire. Why would have save such helpless creatures?

It is incredible to realize just how much we need God's son to be worth something. I don't think I will ever understand fully the reason that God gave us that incredible grace, why he didn't just send his almighty fire to fall down on us. But, now, I am worthy! I am made righteous! Goodness, I love God. With my whole heart. Why wouldn't you want to serve a God that completely saved you?

David ends with "How majestic is your name", and to that I say, pretty darn majestic!

He created the whole earth! Goodness, He is so good.

God is good.

Psalm Seven:

The Lord's anger frightens me. I don't like reading about it and I'm not sure why. I don't know if that is because I only know the loving, gracious God who sent a savior, or if I am just ridiculously naive. I guess I am in both situations.

That scares me. Am I supposed to know the anger? The Lord is slow to anger, right? Is this how he is with all those that don't believe in Him, or is it just those that outright deny him? So, Psalm 7 leaves me with questions.
If a man does not repent, God is ready with fire, with a bow and arrow. David talks with such ferociousness about the swift wrath and justice of God. Followed by thanks to the Lord. It seems wrongs to give thanks for wrath. The title is "In you do I find refuge", so it seems really strange to take refuge in that God. I understand that I may not fully know this anger because I do take refuge in Him. I do know Christ therefore, I repent and am saved. And I do recognize sin. So, justice? I see the great Judger. The one who remains righteous.

Sitting, waiting, wishing.

I read Psalm Six and Seven on the beach while I was camping. I sat underneath these amazing stars. It was so powerful to be in the presence of God's creation in that way. So, I'll tell about that. But, first Psalm Six:

"Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am languishing. Heal me, O Lord, for my bones are troubled. Turn, O Lord, deliver my life; save me for the sake of your steadfast love."

I could keep going because I love each line more and more. My bones truly are troubled. I honestly do need healing so my eyes and mind are set on Jesus.  I love him, and knowing His great love for me heals me some.

In this Psalm, I find strength. David's faith  in the Lord's faithfulness gives Him strength to rebuke his enemies. He is able to stand against them when He realizes God is hearing Him.

God gives strength, he is our true rock.

So, about those stars. While I was sitting there on the sand experiencing the nearness of God I started wondering. Does the Lord trust me with His kingdom? Does He not always answer because I am not yet pruned to do that good work? So, I sat looking at the magnificent stars, realizing the incredible universe that is filled with them. I am I responsible to continue the work of the hands that created that? I can't fathom the reason that God trust us, but it feels good to know that He thinks me worthy of it. But, really that sky was incredible. I wish I had had pictures.

Psalm Five:

Again, He says, "Give ear to my words".

God seems incredibly violent to those that don't believe in Him. Wrathful, angry, BIG. But, when you put your faith and your trust in Him he is peace and rest and comfort and light in the darkness. He is utter salvation.

David talks of utter destruction for those that go agaist God. It is really scary almost unsettling to read that. Then he says, "Let all who take refuge in you rejoice". It's so contradictory. I wouldn't want to be the person that doesn't believe.

I mean I want sing for joy, who wouldn't?

Psalm Four:

I read this  a few nights ago, and it basically spoke healing into my soul. The words just urged me forward and sank deep into me. It was perfect.

But, I'm not entirely sure why. David often speaks of God hearing his prayers. Whether he felt lonely or he was praising, he asked for God to turn to him and listen. It is amazing to think that in all of the time I neglect intimacy with God and reading the word, that I can still find His ear turned toward me.

Reading, "you have given me relief" literally brought calm to my being. I was immediately at peace. He calls us to "ponder in our beds" and "to be silent and trust in the Lord". I have been learning that since my pastor died, to be silent, to be quiet now and wait on the Lord. That is kinda where I got the name for this place. A David Crowder song that say, "so be quiet now and wait, be quiet now and rest".

God wants us to rest in Him, for him to be the comfort, the energy, the strength, the driving force in our lives. Goodness! It is prefect timing, this passage. I have to put my trust in the Lord's provision and actually live it. Not just saying that I am. So, now I hold my desire to go to Cornerstone and my worry about paying for it in open hands. Knowing full well God is faithful and he will provide.

I don't have an adjective here other than perfect. Spotless. Light. King.

Psalm Three:

I don't really know who He is. Not completely, only fractions of what my father is.

I read this and thought about dry, weary, desert places. He being a light that guides us home, that will uphold us. David says that He is a shield, the lifter of his head.

I think I may have to look at this one more. Sustainer is here. But, I feel like there is more. I think it is just an example of endless praise. That life of brokenness, of being small. Knowing inside your whole being that you are nothing with God, the savior.

I think that's it. He is savior. Can it be that simple? God wanting me to know that He is my savior. Funny that we can forget where we would be without Jesus Christ. I am so incredibly grateful that He is there to remind me. All I need is Him.

Psalm Two:

I read and I feel afraid. Not in a bad sense. I feel that I do not want to know the wrath of God. My heart understands our God Creator's capabilities and fears them. 

Verse 4 says, "He who sits in the heavens laughs...", He laughs at these people's ideas of control, their  wrong perception of their own abilities. He has ultimate control. So, in these verses I see a protector, a mighty hand that saves and conquers. God brings mighty floods. He is the same Lord that allowed for David to conquer Goliath.

He protects those that love Him and the ones that follow His law. I want to follow that Law, because I do not want to end up like Goliath.

I also see this magnificent provider. In verse 7, the Lord says, "You are my Son; today I have begotten you", we belong to Him! We are His and He thinks of us daily! What a blessing to be on the mind of the being that created eternity, the universe, and the life that we are currently living. He then says, "Ask of me and I will make the nations your heritage and the ends of the earth your possession."

He tells us just to ask! And according to His will it will happen. This is incredible. A constant truth that we must be reminded of. It is unbelievable. He wants to know our hearts, to have His creation, and to fully trust in His provision.

In a time of preparation both for college and adulthood it is words like these that give me hope. I get all excited to know God is going before me and making my way. He truths such as these, are written before me giving me steadfast faith and an assured heart.

God has a perfect plan for me. I have only to be quiet now and wait.

Psalm One: revisited

In my journal I wrote this:

I will not flourish if I don't delight in the law of the Lord.

And after looking at that again. I realize I see God as caretaker in this passage. He gives us these rules to live by so that we will live well and satisfied. But, then He gives us grace and salvation because we can not follow them all completely.  He is fully there for us. He removes obstacles when we trust. We misstep and He leads us back to righteousness. God is our caretaker.

How could we not delight in that? How could I not submit my every action to that power?
So, I continue learning. And while I do that, He remains at my side, holding me firmly in His hand.

Broken

Healing.

What does it mean to be fully, truly healed?

Psalm One:

His delight is in the law of the Lord. (verse two)

Planted like a tree that yeilds much fruit.

The Lord knows the way of the righteous.

These things I will meditate on. I will sink in these truths.

God know my actions, my thoughts, my sins and wickedness, but he will restore me. He already has and for that I commit my life to following Him and delighting in His law.