A dryer time:

I am tired. I am tired of praying without answers. I'm tired of realizing my heart has dirty motives. I'm tired of being wrong. I'm tired of realizing I'm just trying to get something from God. I'm tired of burden and I am definitely tired of rice and beans.

I keep thinking about my history as a swimmer. There was a part of my 500 yard race, at about minute 5, where I would get this tired but have to keep going. It was then I would have to remind myself to kick harder, pull faster and catch my competition. In the last 100 yards I had to drive, deprive myself of oxygen and use my last bits of energy to finish hard into the wall. This tired is a lot like that tired. But, God, he hasn't given me a finish line. He never said pray for a few weeks and I will miraculously save your Grandma's cabin. He never said seek me in the mornings and find your bills paid for. He never said knock and the door to your new car will be opened to you. He just said that I would find him. He promised in finding him I would have satisfaction and joy and peace and hope. Not that he would give me those things through other means, but that He embodies those things.

There is a common theme in the Church of Uganda. Pray, seek, believe and God will bless you. Songs are often sung with lines like, "wonderful things will happen to you if you have faith in God". But my weary heart knows God doesn't promise "wonderful things", he promises nearness, refreshment, faithfulness and understanding. He promises to be our satisfaction.

I recently sent a frustrated message to my greatest friend that expressed my anger towards God. I had been praying for weeks that God would change my Grandma's heart about selling her cabin and had not felt anything from him. I told her, "God is nowhere to be found in any of it" and she graciously corrected me, "He is. If only it was for you to seek him." When I responded with, "It's not enough," she merely asked, "Is it not?" Is it not enough that God would put this in my life and drive me to wake up early every morning and seek him? Oh, my heart. Out of pride I didn't respond. She was wrong. God had left me. But, really, I was wrong and it was enough. He brought me to him to show me sin and to root it out. Is it not enough that I would seek him? It's enough. He is enough. My prayer is that I, that we, would stop trying to get things from God. That we would pray not with the hope of an answered prayer, but with the knowledge that God will show up and the belief that it is enough.
It's his love that showed me my pride, and his grace that brought me to him. This is enough. The sun is shining and that is enough.

I've got 34 days left in Uganda and I want it to be enough; for me to have learned what God intended, for me to walk away from here knowing more about myself and him. I believe this will be true. But, I've still got 34 days. Each day, let's wake up and say, Good morning Jesus, let us acknowledge that what he has in store is more than enough. What he has designed is good and perfect. What he will do is welcome and that we are ready to walk with his hand in our own.