I've had so many heart talks lately. These are the sort that ache, the ones that make you cry until you can't catch your breath because you realize the futility of the life you try to lead without the nearness of God. I have been suffocated by doubt and until just recently was without hope for what my life would be.
Today I have sat and read through old journal entries, prayers, sermon notes and been reminded of my struggle, of healing and of joy. Some specific things I wanted to share with a beautiful soul so close to mine, but I thought instead of just sending them to her I would write them here.
This last semester was marked by need. Oh how much did I need a Savior, oh how much did I need the direction and peace from the Creator, oh how much did I need the extravagant love and grace of the Father.
I am reminded, "Comfort, comfort my people, says your God. Speak tenderly to Jerusalem and cry to her that her warfare is ended, that her iniquity is pardoned, that she has received from the Lord's hand double for all her sins" [Isaiah 40:1-2]
In all of these months that I didn't open the Word, I am reminded that the war is won, that I am pardoned, that Christ has come and in that should be joy. In all of my distance God is as near as ever. He is the Faithful One. In all of these months that I didn't pray and I grew so tired, I am reminded, "The Lord is the Everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. he does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint"
In all of these months that my only heavenward cry was a desperate one, I am reminded, "if you abide in me and my words in you". God asks one thing of us, that we meditate and delight in his Word.
All the time I was shown that my desperation to know God was only going to be satisfied if I took the time to know Him. Everywhere I was seeking just showed me, even more completely, that there is one thing to do and that is to know God. So, I opened the book. I rejoiced in the moment with him. I felt peace. I was overwhelmed at the prospect of being truly free from the weight of going at life alone.
So today he breathed to me, "you are altogether beautiful, my love, there is no flaw in you" [Song of Solomon 4:7] and He asked me, "Arise, my love, my beautiful one and come away, for behold, the winter is past; the rain is over and gone. The flowers appear on the earth, the time of singing has come and the voice of the turtledove is heard in our land. The fig tree ripens its figs, and the vines are in blossom; they give forth fragrance. Arise, my love, my beautiful one and come away.
"Awake, O sleeper, and arise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you", because we are shockingly, breathtakingly beautiful. We are the sunrise and sunset, we are the prize. We are this because of Christ. We are these things because of the grace that we drown in daily. We are these things because we are children of light. I think we need to stare boldly at the shell of who we are and realize we are not just bodies but bodies beloved. We will find passion if we know God, we will find joy if we seek what He has for our lives. We will be satisfied if we align our lives with the will of God. We will be free if we face our fears of letting go and dance into the arms of the ever near God. We will be alive again and every shade of orange or yellow, or green. We will be light: pure and undeniable.
Breathe deep, be quiet now and know that He is the one that loves you deeply, "for the Maker is your husband, the Lord of Hosts is his name; the Holy One of Israel is your redeemer, the God of the whole earth he is called. For the Lord God has called you like a wife deserted and grieved in spirit" He says to us, "for a brief moment I deserted you, but with great compassion I will gather you. In overflowing anger for a moment I hid my face from you, but with everlasting love I will have compassion on you."
Be reminded that there is no life apart from the Truth and there is no living separated from our God.
